Poly Hearts

I'm not normal...and that's okay.

2012-02-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not normal. I am not sure I have ever been normal. What even defines normal?

I do know this, my relationship is not normal. I've become more confident lately in my relationship. I will without hesitation say, "My wife and our husband" to someone. It is interesting to see some people's response. I *love* it when there isn't a response. You see, as non normal as we may seem, we are actually pretty normal.

We have jobs and hobbies, we cook and clean, we go grocery shopping and to doctor's appointments. We love each other, we have a bond with each other far beyond a sexual bond. We have issues like everyone else and work on those too.

This is the polyamorous voice I want to give. I am happy and respect the Brown's and the Darger's. However it is not my faith that lead me to my plural marriage. It is love.

Stop Online Privacy Act! #sopastrike

2012-01-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia:

Imagine a World Without Free Knowledge

For more than a decade, we have spent millions of hours building the largest encyclopedia in human history. Right now, the U.S. Congress is considering legislation that could fatally damage the free and open Internet.

How would SOPA affect you? Click here for an article FAQ from CNET.

Learn more from Wikipedia (even on 1/18): Learn more!

What can I do? Write to your Senator (barely takes a minute)

The government is already involved in so many aspects our lives from our bedrooms to our wallets. We as Americans need to stand up and speak out for what we believe in!

#thisismestandingup

One year anniversary!

2011-12-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today, is not only Christmas Eve, but it marks the one year anniversary of all of us living together! I'm reminded just how fortunate and lucky we are. Through a year of some trials and tribulations, we have triumphed, together, happy, and excited about continuing our life together!

In many ways it is hard to believe it's been just a year of living together. Some days I feel like I'm wrapped in my favorite pair of jeans. Some days it is still fresh and exciting. We come together at each moment in life between birthdays, death in the family, deaths of pets, we celebrate and mourn together. I couldn't imagine my life without both of them.

As of now, all three of us are "out" to our family and friends. We are slowly gaining acceptance when people realize that we are not much different than a monogamous couple. We love, we laugh, we cry, we hurt, we support each other, and we gain strength in knowing that we are moving through this journey of life with each other.

There is comfort and joy in that knowledge.

Happy Holidays to everyone! May you be filled with love and joy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving can mean many different things for many different people. A lot of people spend the holiday with family. Some spend it with no one. I've done both in the past and this year I'm thankful. I'm thankful for spending the holiday with those I love, those that love me, and friends old and new.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I still hope you have a great day!

ABC Nightline and the Dargers!

2011-11-21T00:21:00.001-07:00

I get all warm and fuzzy when I see people sticking up for their beliefs! Recently ABC Nightline aired a blip about the Dargers. You can watch it on Hulu here.

The more people see that being poly doesn't mean you're a freak, the quicker we will gain acceptance!

Taking a big breath.

2011-11-11T02:11:00.000-07:00

You can probably tell from my last blog that I'm struggling with dyad time. I have a lot of insecurities. Here's where I'd like to say so does everyone else in the world, but I can recognize that may not be the case. Anywho...some of those insecurities have made dyad time difficult for me.

I went over to the Sisterwives site and emailed someone whom I believe has 20 years of experience and tons of knowledge and logic. We chatted for about an hour and though she didn't tell me anything I didn't really already know, she did give me the confidence in knowing that we are on a good path. She was very generous to take time out of her life to chat with me and I definitely appreciate it. Are we perfect? Of course not. Is this life choice the easiest one to make? Heck no. Is it totally worth it? Heck YES!

There are a lot of things to consider when taking dyad time. Does the wife feel confident that her husband still loves her and wants her and desires her? Does the second wife feel confident in knowing that she is loved, not second by any matter of the heart and that she is also wanted and desired? One of the things that this person recommended was A. and I going out on a date together. Sure we go to lunch, we run errands together, but an actual date. I like the idea and am hoping to soon do just that. Our husband R. does his best to make sure we both know he loves us too.

It's not all about sexy time either. Casual touches, drive by kisses, heart pongs ( <3 in a chat window), or other little things to let each other know we love each other and that we want each other. I'm hoping in time to be able to share how we worked through the struggles of dyad time because it is important, especially since A. and I are always home so we can't just get private time when someone else is gone.

We are trial and error here. It's not like there are great role models to look up to. Again, that is the main purpose of this blog. I'm trying to be as open as possible about what it is like in a poly marriage. Oh speaking of marriage, I have some things to write about that too, but that's for another post! ;-)

Let it begin again.

2011-11-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a downer about a poly relationship: Sometimes you have to fake it. Sometimes even when you feel hurt by your partners you have to put your walls up and pretend you don't give a fuck. Supposedly if you pretend like you don't give a fuck long enough it will really happen and you won't give a fuck. Isn't that funny.

Family.

2011-11-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not the typical TV watcher who will watch a show while it is live. I completely dislike commercials. I love Netflix and even though they have made some changes I'm not 100% thrilled with, I still like them. Anywho, recently it recommend the TV Show Parenthood to me. There are a few actors and actresses that I like so I decided to check it out. I sorta instantly dug it and within two weeks I watched the first two seasons. Luckily it is not cancelled, at least not yet. (I tend to love shows that get cancelled leaving horrible endings like Jeremiah and Jericho)

The family (in Parenthood that is) is pretty close even when times are tough. One of the things I love is how they come together around music. There is a part of me that wishes my family was like that. Tonight we were (are, still at the moment, (I'm the DJ)) jamming out to music and I had this feeling that "Hey, my family is like that."

I think family is what you make it. I can spend my time feeling like I'm left out or less than or second, or I can spend my time realizing that this is my family. Whether I have been here physically for the last twenty years really doesn't matter. I'm loved by N., Anne's and R's son, I'm dearly loved by Anne and R., and I'm slowly but surely finding my way here.

Earlier tonight we had some friends over. When they were departing "he" asked "her" to go to the car for a second because he had a question to ask us. "He" wanted to know our opinion of "her" and wanted to know a Christmas suggestion. I think we were all touched. First off, we totally adore "her". They are a great fit. It was also touching to recognize that our opinion mattered. I wish the two of them nothing but the best.

Life isn't always perfect, but right now, it is pretty damn good and I'm okay with that! :-)

UGH

2011-10-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

I recognize that every person and every relationship is different. I came into this relationship with a lot of insecurities. One of my partners also has a lot of insecurities. Sadly some of my insecurities are fueled by said partner and vice a verse.

I have written on the topic of dyad time before. I struggle with it and don't hide the fact that I do inside my relationship. Today I'm feeling like I hate it. I hate having to feel this way. I hate that when I'm taking my dyad time I'm watching the clock to make sure I don't run over the two hours. When I'm the one who is left solo - I'm left feeling uncomfortable, crappy, not even really jealous - just basically pissed that we have to do this. Pissed that we can't seem to figure out how to just let it be organic and natural and take the time we all need with each other. I know this will pass and that maybe in 2 years, or 5 years, or 6 months we will move beyond this point and it be something resembling how it should really be....but right now, right this minute I'm rather fucking annoyed at the whole situation.

SO...different note: My personal email has a hyphenated name. You know like Smith-Jones. Except my last name isn't Smith and theirs isn't Jones, but you get the point. Anywho, I used my personal email today to do an email test with a co-worker back in NY. She gets really excited..."Oh my God you got married??!!" ....uhm.....Yes, Yes I did. We had a commitment ceremony. Though I've not completed the process, my last name will incorporate the last name of the two people I love. Is it a legal wedding? No, of course, the laws are too dumb to recognize triads. She congratulates me and then demands I send pictures. Hmmm... I have no real pictures to send. We did have some taken, sadly none of them came out very well and I have this stupid feeling like I will disappoint if I don't send pics of white dresses and tuxes. Not to mention - oh yeah - by the way I married a man *and* a woman. *Sigh*

Guess I will chuck this day up to shitsville.

#notsoprettysideofpoly

Reconnecting

2011-09-26T16:57:00.001-07:00

So two of your partners have just gone off to spend some time together. What are some of the things you do to reconnect as a triad?

Birthday Surprises

2011-09-19T01:14:00.001-07:00

As you may know from my last blog I had come out to a family member. I had been fretting the last few days and what her reaction might be.

Today while we were out celebrating my birthday at Amazing Jake's which is great fun by the way, she sent an email wishing me a happy birthday and telling me that she loves and believes that I deserve happiness and if my partners are bringing me that, then it's all good.

My reply was short given where I was, but, that was the best birthday gift ever and I had gotten some other pretty awesome gifts.

Right Now

2011-09-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm in the middle of R. and A. taking their dyad time. This week has been particularly tough. A., R., and I got into a pretty big fight. One of those fights where you start on topic A and during the fight you touch on topic B, H, Q, D, W, and Z, then back to A again. At the end of it all you're not even quite sure what you were arguing about. I'm left feeling a little raw. I was fine earlier today, but shortly before it came time for them to head back I could my walls starting to creep up. I had handled the last couple of weeks really well. Tonight I guess not so much. I have no magical thing to say to make myself feel better. I know this feeling and this moment shall pass.

With the structure of dyad time, I have commented on how I feel triad sexy time has somewhat suffered. We get gun shy about asking for something. Maybe we are making up for not establishing dyad time from the beginning? Maybe dyad time isn't how we should be going about it? Maybe all we should have is dyad time? At the end of the day I think it really just depends on how you feel about it, how your partners feel about it, and what ultimately works for all us.

On a different subject....I wrote an email to the closest family member I have and "outed" myself. I hate secrets. I felt like talking to this family member and not talking about loved ones was lying. Said family member has replied yet. I guess they may not. I'm anxious wondering if this family member will reply.

Time will tell.

Logic and Truth - Dyad Time

2011-09-13T01:19:00.000-07:00

One of my goals in writing this blog is to talk about the things that I've had a hard time finding elsewhere when I wanted some answers to some questions. In order for that to happen I have to talk about the ugly, the personal, the things that we really rather not have people know about us.

Simple logic says a triad is three. A couple is two. My partners have been married to each other for 20 years. I've been with them for a little over a year. This is my first successful poly relationship that's worth talking about. (I could talk about the creepy JTK poly relationship, maybe, but that's certainly for another time.)

From my perspective, our triad is the only relationship I've know with A. and R. From A.'s perspective and from R.'s too....they have known their dyad and now our triad. When I first moved in, our focus was on our triad. As most people know, it's easy to get "stuck" in a groove. A few months plus in, A. began asking for dyad time with R. and dyad time with me. There had always been this general knowledge that in our triad there are really five relationships: our triad, A. and R., A. and me, R. and me, and of course - time with ourselves too. We were totally not practicing that, even though we knew it logically.

So it began. Couple time. I did not handle this very well at first. (Like I said, sometimes I've got to be willing to share the ugly in order for my blog to have purpose to me and hopefully others.) I'm not sure I would say I was jealous of the time that A. and R. spent together. I was hurt, felt alone, felt less than, sometimes I'd think “They are probably in there trying to figure out how to get me leave.” Some moments I'd think they were each thinking that they were finally able to spend time with their "real" partner. (I know, I know. Aren't insecurities grand?)

Initially we kept missing the boat. R. would spend time with A. but would drop the ball when it came to spending time with me. In my opinion, it's hard from his perspective because he knows he is going to upset or hurt one of his spouses. Things would come, life would get in the way and two weeks would go by and R. would spend time with A. again, and then not with me. Now in some fairness....A. was expressing her need. I would say "Yeah, I want that too", but I wouldn't really ask for it, or demand it.

We work on trying to know ourselves better, understanding our insecurities and be able to work through them. I would ask myself, what does it mean when i feel a "ping" or a "twinge" when moments like that happen? I'm in the room and A. says, “R. do you think I can take pain meds?” Almost as if I'm not there. Why does that bother me, why does it matter? Logically, I get that she is just used to asking him about things. So it shouldn't bother me. These are the things that my insecurities try to use as proof when I'm feeling insecure. (When I mentioned this example to A., she had another perspective: I wasn’t awake when she’d last taken her meds, so of course asking me wouldn’t really help.)

It is really important to talk about what those “pings” are because there’s “his story”, “her story”, “my story”... and somewhere in there lies the truth of the matter. The more we share and talk, the closer to the truth -- as we all three see it -- we get. A bonus to this communication is greater bonding. Now that A. and R. know some of the “pings” I feel, they can be more sensitive in how they do those things. And in talking to them about those “pings”, I’ve felt more secure because they have listened -- both to my trouble and in making those little changes.

The good thing is most of the time I'm secure in my place in my family....otherwise I might go crazy. Of course that would be a short trip anyway. ;-)

Going back to dyad nights... In the beginning, I would have a *really* hard time dealing with their time together. I felt like my time with R. was good, it allowed us to be intimate without worry to A.’s feelings, it allowed me to work on building a relationship with him that was separate from the triad. Don’t miss understand, A. and I do the same “work”, but since I work from home, we have a little more time together so it just flows more naturally. To cope with those nights, I would focus on things I could do for two hours. I didn’t really want to watch a movie because my thoughts could wander. I wanted to actively do something, so I took the dog to the dog park, I played video games, I did the dishes from dinner, I would listen to music through my headphones at the top volume. I would do whatever was necessary to get through the time period. Slowly I began to notice that I had no trouble getting through the time, but the departure (them going back to the bedroom) was awkward at best and the reunion of the triad was awkward. A. and I are different in how we handle things. I tend to withdrawal, she tends to desire affection. Then slowly, but surely, going back wasn’t terribly awkward, getting through the time was fine, but the reunion still needed some work. Currently we meet in the pool for a late night swim. It’s a great way for us to come back together.

Recently while taking dyad time with R. we were talking about ….well I don’t even remember. What I do remember is having this sudden flood of emotion. Emotion telling me he is my husband. Not A.’s husband, not our husband, but *my* husband. I felt like I finally got what A. was talking about.

Today I can tell you that I *love* my husband and I *love* my wife. They are both equally important to me. Is every dyad time perfect? Nope. Do we still argue? Yup! Except lately we’ve been learning and growing and fighting less and more “above the belt” and I know without a shadow of a doubt if we keep talking, trusting, and loving our lives will be filled with more good than bad.

Some days

2011-09-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

I'm working on bigger post but sometimes things take time. Sorry I have posted since the end of July. Things and life have been a little hectic. I'm hoping in the coming months to be able to devote more time to my blog.
Some days... We've all had them. That day where we just want to stay in bed and do nothing. Hopefully those days are few and far between. Today is one of those days for me. I'm tired, I didn't sleep well (yet again) and frankly the not sleeping well bit is getting *really* old.

Today my insecurities are screaming, sometimes it's easy to fight off, sometimes not so much. I'm frustrated by this. I'm loved. I love them. Most of the time we have a pretty happy existence. No one is fighting it is not like that. I can't shake a funk. I miss having my eyes set upon a goal. I don't listen to enough music. I don't listen enough to new (to me) music. I'm slacking on gardening. I'm slacking on candle-making. Perhaps I'm just slacking all the way around.

Pooey on this ranty post....

Marriages in NY

2011-07-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure most of you have heard by now, gay couples can get legally married in NY. In case you haven't heard here you go. It begs me to wonder if poly marriages are next? Perhaps it is just wishful hoping on my part, but it would be nice if we could slowly begin to work on making poly marriages legal.

To meet or not to meet

2011-07-18T02:17:00.001-07:00

As anyone knows who has been reading my blog, I'm pretty new to Arizona. I also work from home and while I love working from home it doesn't give me much of a chance to meet new people. So the question arises...how do you meet new people? We aren't the bar kind of peeps. R. and I both love live music but sadly I sort of take issue with large crowds. Well it's not so much the crowds as feeling trapped. Anyway, in any case it strikes off the bar scene, plus I would really prefer to meet like minded people.

So I have been exploring ways to meet new people. I joined the meetup.com poly group for my area, I joined a local poly group, I even have an OKCupid profile which clearly states that I am married and only looking for friends. Yes, by the way, my partners know about it.

I have seen some discussions of these groups and neither leave me with a feeling of "oh, I want to be a part of that!" So now what? I have the feeling that neither of these two groups really contain people with the same mindset as us. We are practicing poly fidelity not just polyamorous. Most of what I have seen is just married people looking for a casual partner.

The question becomes, do we go? Do we go to a meetup trying to find people like us? Or do we just pass it up? What would you do?

By the way, this blog brought to you via Blogger for Droid and my oh my does that make me happy!! :)

From then to now

2011-07-10T00:24:00.001-07:00

My oh my it's been awhile since I've written anything. Lots of updating to do. One of the reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to create a place that talked about the real ins and outs of being in a poly relationship. We are lucky in this day and age to be able to find resources that many couples couldn't find years ago. However some of those resources don't tell you how it *really* is. You get the highlights and "how to overcome jealously", and all sorts of other goodies, but I didn't find was how it was day to day.

As you can tell from the description of my blog, living with my spices (as I like to call them, I "stole" it from someone else I do believe) is a pretty new experience for me. We have had some ups and downs, bumps and twists, but at the end of the day we all end up in the same bed and I still know this is the best decision I have ever made (even when I sometimes try to self-sabotage).

My last post was about me coming out, this post is about something very personal and real. In the beginning of me blogging I spoke with my partners about being able to air dirty laundry when otherwise you wouldn't think of it. I am airing some dirty laundry, but I do it with the hopes that sharing will help or enlighten others.

I have always wanted a child. I have some health issues that potentially make it not possible. At 34 I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I would not have children. Besides I had only been with one other person in my life that I would even consider having a child with and we broke up before we were married. I met A&R online as the story goes and I knew from the beginning that they had one child and they were content and not looking to have another child.

Fast forward a wee bit to all of us living together and I'm finding myself living with two people that I would *love* to have a child with. So the conversation begins. Do we or don't we?? A. (my female partner) hopped on board rather quickly. She was excited. She loved being pregnant. Did she have some fears? Of course. Were we both concerned about jealously on her end arising while I was pregnant.....of course. So then we needed an answer from R. A baby isn't something you "give" your partner because they want it. It is not a majority decision. It has to be a decision that *everyone* agrees to. I had totally expected him to say no. Surprising and joyfully he did not. So we went to the first appointment, did the preliminary blood work, worked through how it made A. feel being the "outsider" at the appointment. After all, it's not as if every doctor is use to three people walking in and saying "Hey, we are all together."

Then life happens....we got a puppy and on the same day we got a puppy I ended up spending 16 hours in the Emergency Room with pain but walked out still not really knowing what was wrong. A month later we discovered it was a bulging disc in my back. A month after that I finally start to get the treatment I needed. Now, this isn't to say we had done nothing in between. We spent time at urgent cares and pain management doctors, yada yada yada. During this whole time, I was completely laid up. In pain all the time, massive pain, and living on pain meds. By the end I truly felt like I was losing my mind. Two weeks after my first spinal injection I had a ovarian cyst rupture. More pain, another trip to the ER, more pain meds. Did I mention we had a puppy? A non house broken lab, cute as a button, but still a puppy? Less not forget all the other things it takes to run a house.

During this time A. became fearful. Fearful that having a child would halt dreams we all mutually have ....like land a dome outside of civilization. (Yes, I know we just bought this house in December, but we are talking dreams here) Also, there is a lot of money involved (we are thinking) just to have the child. Plus what happens if something happens to me during the pregnancy or labor? I had a follow up with my OBGYN about the ruptured cyst and she more of less put her foot on the floored gas pedal saying I didn't have time concerning a baby and that the time to act was *NOW*. We all felt a little shocked from this, like a decision, or action, or something must happen right now. A. reopened the discussion of yes or no about a baby and ultimately we decided on no, in part because she felt a lot of pressure given the conversation with the doctor. Like I said it is not a 2 out of 3 decision.

I was hurt, upset, felt a variety of emotions. I had a decision to make. Do I stay, knowing I will never have a child or do I leave in the hopes of one day having a child? The decision was actually pretty easy, I'm staying. The next obstacle became .... how do I not resent A. for her decision? How do I mourn the loss of something I have never had? How do I/we move on from this point? So I went to http://sisterwives.yuku.com/ (which is a site I totally recommend for poly people, regardless of religion) and posted my situation in a private forum for "Second Wives."

The responses I got shocked me and even hurt a little, though I knew the answers were coming from a place of honesty in their hearts. The two women that responded, I respect, so I knew I had even more thinking to do. The night after the first response we had a huge fight here. I admit I was scared that we might not survive this. Even if I could learn to not resent would A. learn not to feel guilty? Oh the questions that arose.

A few days after A. is talking to her Mom and mentions the situation and her Mom replied back with something along the lines of - if this is something she (me) really wants, A. can't deny her. I think that conversation shocked A. and she came back to the table to reopen the discussion. We were able to with clear heads this time to sit and talk about our emotions, where we really were. A. was able to come to terms with her fears, what she was really feeling, and where her heart really was.

Now us trying for a baby is back on. I haven't gone back to the doctor yet, but I have been dealing with the aftermath of health issues that need to be dealt with before trying for a baby anyway. We have hurdles to cross in order for this to happen and in the end it may not happen, but I know that we are together in the decision.

Will A. have some insecurity issues? Sure. Will I? You betcha. Will R. even? Yep, probably. But this I know for sure....our communication had strengthened. I believe that A. and I (who are both filled with insecurities) are slowly learning we can talk to each other and can work through issues and I'm learning that they aren't going anywhere, an insecurity of mine, and that at the end of the day we will all end up in our bed knowing that though we have issues to work through and trials of life will come at us....we are a team and with our back against each other and swords drawn to the world we will make it through.

Coming out

2011-05-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

For awhile now I've kept two blogs....one "normal" blog and one poly blog....today I came out on my "normal" blog. I thought I'd share what I said:

I have a secret, that I’m no longer willing to keep a secret and I’m willing to “pay” whatever consequences I need to pay in order to say what I have to say. To some this is no shock, to others, it may be a shock and if so I apologize. First, I’m bi-sexual. I’ve never really shouted that from a roof top or “came out” because I didn’t think my sexual preferences were relevant to general topic of conversations. I slept with the first woman when I was 19, I entered a loving relationship with a woman a little over a year ago. Second, I was just married (yes, I say married) to two (yep, that’s right two) loving people. A marriage is not a piece of paper. It is a commitment of hearts that say - I will be there for you, with you, until the end, backs against each other swords drawn to the world.

Why is it that as a society we accept a man who is married, with X number of children, works late and cheats on his wife (or the other way around)? Why is it as a society we accept a man who marries and divorces X number of times? Why is it as a society we can’t accept people who say “I love you, I will be there for you”, if it is more than two people making that commitment? Why should I have to “hide” in fear of prosecution. Not all poly marriages are dirty old men with 15 underage wives.

I’ve included my personal vows to show where I stand and how I feel. But before you read them I want to say this: I respect whatever belief system you hold dear to your heart. If you are reading this then chances are you are a friend or a loved one which means to me - you could love a giant purple monkey and if that giant purple monkey made you happy, then I am happy for you. At the end of the day - don’t we all want happiness and love for the people we love and care about?

Here are my personal vows:
I need not the law to make this wedding real. I stand here today in front of everyone and my higher power and commit myself to you both, to give of myself; my heart, my soul, my life in a partnership that is for better or worse, in sickness and in health....THAT is the definition of a marriage. That is what is real and to me it is all that matters.

You have both shown me support and strength when mine own has failed me. In return I offer you the same. I promise to encourage and inspire both of you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. We may fight, no, we will fight, but I take security in knowing that at the end of the day there is no one else and no place else I’d rather be....with the two of you, in our home, facing whatever challenges and joys life may lay in front of us.

A rambling update

2011-04-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

It's a week of weddings.... One I could care less to attend, the other I'm pretty neutral about. I spoke briefly about one of these weddings in my last blog. Initially I really tried to take a neutral ground. What's the big deal? It's hard for people to accept a poly life, right? Initially I was telling A. I thought she was perhaps over reacting a bit. I didn't want to make waves. I didn't want to come in between existing friendships. I felt bad. Now however, I've had some time to let it all sink in. The reality is, those friends did not view me as being an equal partner to A. R. is her husband, therefore he was invited. I'm ...what(?) a second class nobody? They absolutely dismissed our relationship. That I am in no way an equal to R., therefore would not be an equal to A. in regards to being married to R. Somehow I am "less than." The longer this thought sat with me, the more and more it bugs me. There is a part of me that doesn't even want to attend their wedding. Why should I honor their marriage as being real when they do not look at my relationship as being just as real? There is a large part of me that wishes not to attend.

Babies. Whoa, bust out the eggshells. Babies have been a sensitive topic for me - oh - since forever. A little over a year ago a close friend of mine had twins. Her and her husband tried for about three, maybe four years to get pregnant before being blessed with conceiving. During her pregnancy - which was tough for her - I had a blender of emotions. Most of time (go me!) I was genuinely happy for her. Sometimes though my ugly green jealous monster would appear and it was *so* hard to squash it. When the boys were born they were beautiful. No, I don't mean like every baby is beautiful, but beautiful in their conception. Living, breathing, little creatures, made from my dear friends. My heart while filled with happiness for her, filled with sadness for my own lack of child. I have always wanted children. Due to medical reasons and personal belief I do not yet have one.

So here we are. Now I'm in a relationship where there are two people that I would love nothing more than to have a child with. There are questions to be answered. Logistics to be worked out, but as time goes by, the desire admittedly grows stronger. This comes as no shock to either partner, so I'm not using my blog as a means of spilling my hidden beans or anything. The desire, the want, I think is shared by all. The logistics, the financial, the age factor, the medical factor, yada, yada, yada has yet to be worked out. None the less I find myself looking at pregnant women (and damn there seems to be a lot of them lately) and longing to be one of them. I want to share the experience with A., for if such a thing ever happened, she would be just as much Mom as me. I *want* to share that experience. I *want* to have a child with both of them. The topic, writing about the topic, is a sensitive topic for me.

How are we in general? So kind of you to ask.... :-) Things between the three of us are actually pretty well. I'm learning to speak when I have things on my mind and be more open. A. and I in general are communicating better. We've tried some things, abandoned some things, combined our finances (which makes me feel better - I'm no longer a "renter"), have triad brunches on Sunday, and in general I think are falling into our groove.

I'm happy, I'm loved, and I wouldn't change this life for the world.

A wedding turned sad.

2011-03-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Friends of A. and R. are getting married soon. A. is actually officiating the wedding. I've met these friends a couple of times and they seem relatively nice.

I am not invited to the rehearsal dinner. The bride does not wish to answer questions about our relationship. I was invited to the wedding. Would she not be answering questions there? So now the question has been asked if I am invited to the wedding and reception as well.

My partners are so very loving. R.'s response, which pretty much echoes A.'s was: "Anywhere Jenne is not welcome means *automatically* I am not welcome either. I will not have Jenne treated as a second class citizen by my friends, furthermore, if my friends think they can exclude Jenne and remain my friends, fuck them too."

I feel torn. I don't want my partners to pick me or there friends, but I'm slowly beginning to understand why so many poly couples ultimately have a few social friends. I'm a little hurt. Certainly not at anything my partner's have done, if anything I feel as though they have defended their love for me. I'm hurt that though initially this couple getting married seemed to be in acceptance of our relationship, in the end they really may not be, and they couldn't be honest about it.

Life in the everyday

2011-03-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today A. had a doctor's appointment. Though we don't all typically accompany each other to appointments, today happened to be one of those days where we did...

I tend to be a people observer. I watch people, body language, mannerisms, and just about everything else. A. fills out her paperwork and then asks if her girlfriend can come back for the procedure with her. What does the receptionist think when she looks over and see R., A.'s husband and me? Does she put it together?

Ultimately the answer was no, I couldn't go back given what was being done, so as A. gets called back she kisses me on the head. R. and I begin our waiting process - sometimes chatting, not being affectionate necessary but I would think it would be obvious to an outsider that we were also together.

What does someone else think about that? Do I care? In a moment like that the answer is no. I don't care. Let the people guess. However sometimes it will matter...how will I handle that situation? Afterwards we went out to eat. A and I were affectionate towards each other, at one point the three of us held hands together. Do other people notice?

At the end of the day I think there are bigger fish to fry but sometimes I can't help but look around and wonder what other people may think.

If you're in a poly relationship, how do you handle this? If you're not in a poly relationship, have you seen obvious triads - if so - thoughts?

Walls

2011-03-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

We all have pasts. Some are a little more complicated than others. Mine being what it is.... Well, I've learned to build walls. Thick, big, concrete walls. Walls designed to keep anything, anyone out and keep any emotion in that I need to keep in. They are super cool in design to boot! ;-)

Then I meet A & R. Funny thing about all these walls I've built. They don't work so well in a poly relationship (or any relationship really). You've heard that line "Communication, Communication, Communication." Well I had the communication down, about "stuff". Dreams, goals, weather, movies, music, politics, and even the "bones in my closet." They weren't secrets. My partners aren't surprised by anything in my past, my family, my nightmares, my demons...

Then comes the sensitive stuff, the hard days, the prickly moments. Somewhere along the line I fought so hard for independence from abuse, independence and an ability to stand on my own two feet, I forgot how to accept partnership and love and companionship. Not entirely of course but enough that this relationship works so well on so many levels, I wait for it to fail. I wait for the a bad moment and one of them to say "That's it's I've had it and want out."

So how do you work around that? How do you make sure you aren't putting up walls? This isn't so much about being in a poly relationship, but any relationship.

I tend to be a person who wants to avoid conflict. "What can I do to end the conflict?" However sometimes in a relationship there is and needs to be conflict.

This journal entry is really two fold. I started the blog about walls a couple of weeks ago, then left it because life got in the way. I'm picking it back up now, not creating a new one because in my own mind, this all relates.

We had a argument this weekend. Fighting happens. I can say with confidence now that even when fighting it is still "backs against each other and swords drawn to the world", but there is this part of me that gets prickly (totally not productive in an argument FYI), and I become insecure, waiting for that other shoe to drop. You know, the whole "it's too good to be true", "surely I can't be unconditionally loved by these two amazing people" syndrome. At the end of the day, I know logically that I can have my cake and eat it too. That I am loved unconditionally by these two amazing people, but in the heat of it, my past comes charging up and I take old emotions and shove them into the current situation. Kinda sucky.

Why share this? Part of me wants to say I'm not entirely sure. Part of me says because when I'm online reading about other poly families you don't get to read about the rough spots and how others work through them and what about the person who isn't in the fight, or any of the real stuff. You read a lot about communication, and sex, and the way sex should be (that's a joke), and rules, and this and that, but tell me about the real stuff. Tell me about when the three of you are fighting, I wanna hear about how the situation is defused, strategies to keep the argument on task, you know the real stuff.....

So how did we defuse the argument? Fair is fair right? I wanna know about your experiences so I'm sharing mine. Initially for a few hours no one defused anything, then slowly but surely we talked, one issue at a time. An issue would come to the table, we'd talk about it, talk about potential ways to change it and make it better, then we would move on to the next. I worked on not putting up walls, not being prickly, just being open and knowing that I'm loved, no one is going anywhere even when we're fighting.

Nothing is perfect. Nothing is resolved overnight, however today was peaceful and loving and assuring in knowing that things will work out. In our case there are two head strong women, with two pasts coming together, working through a separate set of insecurities and though we no doubt love each other unconditionally and neither of us could imagine being anywhere else, we still have some struggles to work through - at least I know we will do it together. <3

Get over it.

2011-02-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. Life, a back injury, and work have prevented such happenings, but alas here I am.

I'm frustrated with myself which is why in part I'm nearly forcing myself to sit down and write right now even though I much rather crawl back in bed with Anne and sleep. Sleep, what a beautiful thing when it happens.

I'm frustrated with myself for getting jealous (not entirely sure that's the right word to even use) at the stupid things.

For those that know or don't know we are private about our poly relationship - at least somewhat private about it. Most days it's no big deal. We can go out and about in public and just ourselves. It is rare the the three of us are together and it's not exactly like you suck face with your partner/partners in public anyway.

There was a death in R's family and he has had to return home for the funeral. There was talk about his father paying for the "three of us" and then it struck the "three of us" didn't include me because I am not known about. That makes me feel like a bitch for writing that so let me say this: R. knows there is no pressure to come out to his parents about me, just as there is no pressure for me to come out to my Aunt about the two of them. I'm am okay with that, but then something like a death in the family presents itself and I can't be there for him. You notice little things. I don't even want to notice the little things. Perhaps logistically I wouldn't have gone anyway but the only thing I can seem to focus on is the fact that it is not an option.

So I gave my support while here, stole (with his permission of course) a tee-shirt of his (yes I'm a dork), and this morning Anne and I took him to the airport. He posts a Facebook message (and again b/c we aren't entirely out), I simply can only post "Travel Safe". Anne can post her love for him. Does that really matter? I feel like I'm being petty and stupid. However it's little things like that and a few other small things that trigger the feelings of being "second". At the same time, the other part of me knows he loves me, she loves me, I love her, I love him, so should a FB post even matter? I want to say no, but sadly, right this minute, I can't.

I feel slightly less than.

Met with resistance

2011-01-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of friends of mine about the commitment ceremony between Anne, R. and I. In some ways it was a slow build process for me. I told two people who I was "certain" would be understanding and supportive. I was met with resistance. It broke my heart. I know that this lifestyle isn't for everyone, but I've been the kind of person who was friends with people who were judgmental. My opinion is - do what makes you happy. Most of my friends, or so I thought, felt the same way.

.......

That was the beginning part of this post. I had saved this in my drafts because I wasn't really ready to write about it. Luckily in both cases, both friends have ultimately come around and given support. I think *I* need to be more patient and understand there might not be instant acceptance. There will most definitely be questions. Sadly from some people there will not be acceptance. Those are just the facts of life. I know this logically. I think emotionally there is still part of me that just wants to believe everyone will be accepting.

For me I think the lesson is I'm lucky I am loved by some people who are accepting and will love me even if they don't always agree with my "life choice", however I need to prepare myself for the fact that not everyone will.

Date Set!!

2011-01-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

We have set a date for our wedding, commitment ceremony or whatever you'd like to call it!! I'm very excited about this! I have a thing for 3's - go figure. Actually, I should have known I'd be a poly girl because this song has always been a favorite of mine. LOL. So anywho, our date is 3-3-12. Our ceremony will have a three theme to it, though, don't worry, we won't have 3's hanging from the ceiling. Well, actually, there won't be a ceiling as we plan on getting married outside. Woot! One thing down, a million more to go!

Who talks about.....

2011-01-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

Filling out legal forms? Health insurance? Car Insurance?

Tonight I'm filling out a form for my dental insurance which comes with a default little life insurance policy. Naturally I want A. and R. to be the beneficiaries of this policy. It certainly won't make them rich, but it would definitely allow them to handle my burial (or in my case cremation) expenses and life celebration. (Notice I specifically did not say funeral) So I listed all the information necessary then sat stumped at the "Relationship" field. What do I put? It's a legal form. Can I put domestic partners? Lovers? The people who make me feel better than anyone ever has on the face of this planet? (Frankly the box is big enough for the latter.) No. I put friend. Friend?!? Really? Just a friend. Yes, we are friends, but that isn't our primary relationship.

It makes me wonder about other things like - being sick. I have some health issues, what if I end up in the hospital and it's "family only"? They are my family. Heaven forbid it be something serious and decision needs to be made, then what? My brother (shudders at the thought) would get to make a decision? They know more about me than he does. My Aunt? Would a fight ensue? How do I make sure they have those rights. Not just one of them, but both of them. Clearly I have some research cut out for me. I will be certain to write more about this later.

We have talked about an LLC for house stuff and making sure I have some of the same protection that A. does, but the things in return - me giving to them, their rights to carry out my wishes, access to my belongings, wealth (LOL) etc...

For now, I sign off a wee bit sad I just classified my relationship as a friendship.

Lessons you learn

2011-01-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

The title really should probably say, "Lessons you learn, Part 1 of a billion" .....

I've hurt my back. Lesson # 1 - Do not try to extend leg up to soap caddy to have a spot to place foot in order to shave leg while in shower. Lesson # 2 - When yours partner tell you slow down or you are going to further hurt yourself, listen to them. They are right. I spent the entire day yesterday drugged up and in bed and pretty darn miserable.

She had been longing for some physical connection. Ideally from both of us, but at least from one of us. I would have liked to been able to participate (so I'm hoping you can imagine just how much pain I was in) but I was simply not able to. We are all laying in bed and I start to hear the start of some fooling around. It felt "weird" (for a complete lack of a better word) for me to just lay there while they did there thing. So I explained my position, explained I understood hers, that I wanted her needs to be met, and that I would go lay down on the couch. Just to be clear - this was all somewhat against her and his wishes, but I knew she wanted to play.

I'm laying on the couch and I begin to hear the play.... boy did I start to get jealous. I'd love to say I handled it all cool like, but the reality is, I didn't. So far we've mainly played together. If we weren't playing together then it's because one of us wasn't even in the house.... or really - in the state. Surely I can't make a stink or say anything about this, because I wanted them to continue even though they offered to stop and wait. I didn't want them to stop because I love them and though part of me felt very jealous, part of me was happy she was getting what she needed. Ultimately I went to my desk, put headphones on and listened to music. When they were done he came out to get me and we snuggled back up again.

I'd like to get to a point where I'm not feeling jealously at all. Especially when it was a decision and choice I've made. Admittedly, I have no idea how to do this. Time and communication are a good place to start though.

Scratched and Dented

2011-01-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm wanting to blog about something that's very personal to me. Something unrelated to being in a poly relationship, yet something that directly effects this relationship. My struggle here is how do I keep one end private and still share what I want to share. R. says you deal with the cards you are dealt with in life and I was dealt a pretty shitty hand and did a pretty good job with the hand I was dealt. At times I feel broken, damaged, dirty, spooked, scared, and this list could on. I have nightmares all the time lately. They weren't always all the time, they had been getting better but about a month before I moved someone had broken into my apartment and since then they have been nightly.

A. and R. go out of their way to show love, support and understanding. They promise to work with me to get through this time (and I can tell by the look on both of their faces, they mean it), they don't make me feel damaged (He calls it scratched and dented), they make me feel loved, more loved than I have ever felt in my entire life. I think that's a benefit of being in a poly relationship - I'm able to be comforted by the both of them. Calmed by his protective nature, nurtured by her tender touch and sweet voice. Sad almost that I need it? Perhaps, but it is what it is and the fact that they give it so willingly, so freely, so openly, shows me that without a doubt I've found "my people." I intend to spend the rest of my life loving them back, sharing joys and sorrows (b/c we all know they will come).

I can at times be insecure, I think we all can. Being in a comfortable zone to share that insecurity is completely foreign and new to me. I watch A. being able to share her insecurity and any other emotion or thought so freely, so safely. I sometimes watch both of them in awe at their love, the safety they have created within their marriage, the safety they have brought me into. I think she worries that she's the "needy" or "special" one because I don't always express my insecurities, but it's simply because I'm not use to being able to. We've actually talked about that and I'm working on opening more. Anyone knows, communication, communication, communication.

In the last two weeks I've learned a lot about myself. The last two weeks have confirmed for me that though eight months of long distance relationships suck butt (there is just no nice way of putting it) - in the end it can be totally worth it. I've learned that my gut instinct is right. I look at him as I write this right now, him playing a video game, her playing a video game and I can't help but think - they are my people (a geek like me too!), they love me, I love them and though there are large vast majorities of people in the world that will never understand what we have it is their loss not ours.

With love and peace....

Settling in...

2011-01-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is like riding a rollercoaster. You take the good with the bad.
The good - She and he asked me to spend the rest of my life with them. I think it was the single most happiest moment in my life in the last ten years for certain. Never in my life have I felt more loved. I know I'm wanted. I know I've found home - and I don't just mean four walls and a roof.

The bad - I can't really shout it from any rooftop. Secrets. Secrets kind of suck.

I just got engaged and could not be more happier about it but can't share it with the people I care about it.
There is admittedly a part of me that wants to just shout it from the rooftops anyway and if you don't care enough about me to be happy about it then I guess you weren't really my friend anyway, but then anyone who knows anything about choosing a poly lifestyle (which really isn't me) knows that you can't really do that. Life just isn't that simple.

There are other things as well. You have this idea of how things will be. You know (if you have half a brain at least) that it won't be all peaches and cream, but you think things will go this way or that way. The reality has been different that how I thought it would be. Different is necessarily bad, but it's different.

A. and I have had two notable arguments. One of them was pretty bad. The beauty of it was even in the heat of the argument I knew she still loved me, still wanted me, and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I also I knew I felt the same exact way about her. It was difficult dealing with my emotions. I'm in a strange city, missing a dear friend (who passed away in August) whom I long to be able to talk to, so trying to work through a variety of emotions was a little difficult and didn't help the argument. I'm glad it's over and since then we've done alright.

Things I thought we may have issues over we have not had issues over and things I didn't even think about - I have now had to think about to either make sure they don't become an issue, or to work through them for one reason or another.

With all of that said, I'm one loved, happy girl. I feel like I belong, like I'm wanted, needed, loved, liked, and enjoyed. I'm cared for and I enjoy caring for others. I struggle with some things and we have things to still work on and get through but I have no doubt in my mind we will work through them.

He arrives tonight!!!!!

2010-12-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

As he said, "Hold on baby, the cavalry is coming." It is exactly how I feel. I'm sick. I have bronchitis. I wore myself down trying to get everything done, I knew this would happen. I'm thankful he will be here tonight to help me through the next few days. I'm even more thankful that She is so understanding and loving. I could not have done these last couple of months without her. Without either of them, but definitely not without her. I can't wait until the three of us are together! I miss them both so much!

Coming closer.....

2010-12-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

The time is coming closer. In just two days He will be here. I can't wait. I have forgotten what he smells like. The softness of his curls. Luckily I can still remember Her smell. She was here more recently. Hmmmm, maybe I have a thing for smells? Him coming in some way signifies the beginning of the end for me. The end of this chapter in New York and the beginning of my new chapter in Arizona. I am finally correcting a mistake a made when I was 15. (That's not for this blog, but needed to be said) I wish She was with us and that it was the three of us traveling back. At the same time, I like the thought of coming home to her. [Insert perverted sexual thoughts here] I want a full day to lay naked in bed, just the three of us. I don't even mean sex necessarily (though uh...well, you know).....but I just want to feel their bodies against mine, mine against theirs. Her soft skin, his fuzzy chest. Okay, Okay, I'm stopping.

One of many to come.

2010-12-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

You may find that over the next eleven days or so I end up blogging a lot, because a lot is going on. Not just within our relationship, but I'm also wrapping up a final semester, a full-time job, saying goodbye to friends, and from afar trying to participate in the setting up of our new home. OH yeah, they just moved into our new home last Thursday. So like I said, there is a lot going on. ON that note.... right now (well, always), being this far away sucks. They are tired and hurting and I am not there. They are arranging furniture and belongings and I'm not there, not me or my belongings and it all just sucks. I want to be there. I feel like I'm missing out on the beginning of "our" chapter together.

Complete side note: There is a group site I've found myself going to a lot lately and recently I struck up a conversation with one of the women there. She's been in a long term relationship, which I enjoyed hearing about. We talked about a variety of things, but one of the things we talked about whether or not He and I should sleep together while he is here helping me move there and She is waiting for us there. Her and I have had alone time. He and I have not. The three of us have had time together. I've really been thinking about what the girl from the group had said. Am I somehow leaving Her out by sleeping with Him while we are here and she is there? She had wanted to initially be somewhat apart of that first time and things just didn't work out that way, but I respect Her and love her deeply and ultimately would not want to hurt her feelings. Yeah, Yeah, I know I just said in the last post that it will happen, but when you can avoid it you know, I think you should.

My mind is racing from clean the cat box, empty the fish tank, did I do this or that, boy I can't wait til I'm there, man I'm going to hate saying goodbye, I should be doing homework, it's cold in here, the dogs prolly need to go out, they aren't even my dogs, my desk is too small, I am not so sure I like this blue after all, i prefer hardwood floors, I should pack my shoes, I miss him, I miss her, I love the smell of her hair *big breath* Do you see?

So it skips to the beginning and back again.

2010-12-11T15:40:00.001-07:00

I have wanted to leave this state and adventure out. Try something new. Complete college in another state. I had narrowed it down to three states. One state was instantly ruled out because they didn't have the program I wanted. Another while still an option wasn't looking all super bright and then there was Arizona. I felt like when I said Arizona the sky would light up. Maybe it's because of the bright sun? haha.....

One day I'm on an OKCupid forum and I read a post I thought was witty. I click on the profile and here is what I noticed: He's standing next to an upright bass (Yes the bass is the first thing I noticed). He is lives in AZ (OMG you have got to be kidding me). He's poly (Oh how great is that?!) I at the time was in a dwindling fast poly relationship not "out" to anyone in my "real" life and was starving for someone to talk to about it, AZ, and his bass. *smiles*

So that my friends is how it all began. I sent an email, I don't even remember what it said at this point, he replied, and it went from there. I knew he was married, he was honest from the start (and it said so in his profile). I loved then and still love now, that he loves he so. Shoot, just gave myself warm fuzzies writing that. It makes me love each of them to see the love they have for each other. Okay, Okay, I'm getting side tracked.... So then I met and sparks flew too. Ha, Unicorns really do exist! She is amazing. He is amazing.

So now, here we are.... In eleven days I am moving from here to there. I'm moving in with the people I love. With the people who have shown me unconditional love in its truest form. No, we're not perfect. Yes, there will be problems. Jealously? Sure. Hurt feelings? Probably. Here is the one thing that feels absolutely right to me..... I am for once in my life doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing, exactly when I am suppose to be doing it, with exactly the right people. To know that, amongst all the other feelings I'm feeling right now (that's another blog or ten but not really related to being poly) tells me we have a really good shot here of making the long haul.

I could not have made this move three years ago when I first wanted to. I can make it now. I can make it now without them, but I thank my lucky stars every single day that I am making it with them.

Flutter of Feelings from 10/23

2010-10-26T12:03:00.002-07:00

I can't explain this feeling right now. It hurts. It hurts so bad I want it to stop. It's driving me crazy and making me feel like I need to do something, anything, something other than just sit here and feel this feeling. Today I put A. on a plane back to AZ. It will be the last time I part from her for so long, I know this. Then why do I feel the way I do? Is it jealously? Jealous that she is going home to R. Home. I miss feeling like I have that. I won't feel like I have that until I am there. I've even begun referring to home as AZ, but even then I know it will take time for that to feel like home. I'm scared. Does that mean I question my love for A & R? What does me being scared mean? When I think of his hand on my hip, or looking into her eyes it's the only sense of peace and love that I get. Then why be scared? I don't think being scared has anything to do with them but rather everything to do with everything else. I feel like I can't talk about that without hurting someone. Moving downstairs to gather expenses was perhaps smart financially but I lost a sense of security. A. has been here pretty much since I moved in and now she is gone and I feel utterly lost. I'm angry. Not at her of course, but I'm angry that I have to stay here. I'm angry that I have this stupid goal of school, going after a stupid fucking degree I'm not even sure I really want to pursue. I find it hard to push through and do something to my typical level of satisfaction. All of the sudden I'm settling for 75's and I don't even care. Have I become this weak? Is it weak?

12/11/2010: I'm throwing this edit in after the fact...... Long distance relationships suck. It's probably another blog, another post, another book. A lot of poly relationships actually start out in an LDR. It adds a fair amount of challenge no doubt. This particular day was so incredibly hard for me. I didn't want to let her go after spending three weeks with her, but knew I had to. I read this and can see the pent up frustration and hurt in the writing, the anger, and just about every emotion really. I'm happy these days are close to being behind us.

Hung up on the little stuff

2010-09-22T08:42:00.001-07:00

Since returning from Ohio, one of the things that I have treasured most with A&R is our Skype dates. Even in typing that I feel so incredibly cheesy, but then I read another Triad's journal and realized perhaps it's not so cheesy. He spoke about the importance of a little time each day, making sure your secondary feels connected and still having date nights with your primary. The more I read terms like "primary" and "secondary" the more they sit funny with me, but that's for another time.

At the moment I'm 2400+ miles away (yes, I'm fighting the urge to look up the exact miles). So the little things like chatting before going to bed and skyping on the weekend are ubber important to me. In fact, for me, I like to make it so saying goodnight to A&R is the very last thing I do. It's my only sense of connection. I must say R and A do a really good job of making me feel connected. My issue isn't that they don't make me feel connected it's how I seem to really hold on to little things. I'm showering at the hotel on Saturday to get ready and I pulled out my travel shampoo bottle and got teary eyed because the last time I used it, I was with A&R. That's what I mean by hung up on the little stuff.

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday, missing them so much, and stressing about having to be so social, I think it's in part why I felt ill. I didn't want to celebrate my birthday without them. I was "in the moment" but wanted to be where ever A&R were. R called me on Sunday to ensure I didn't sleep the day away after a night of no sleep and hearing his voice nearly brought tears to my eyes. This distance is at moments so hard I don't feel like I will make it until March.

However, I will make it until March and until then I just need to give myself permission to get hung up on the little stuff like IM chats and Skype dates and making sure Raj is in whatever room I'm in. Raj being a bear that A. knitted for me. Silly? Perhaps. Okay, probably. However, I can look at him and be visually reminded of the love she has for me, the time she took to knit that for me - just for me, I can grab him and feel his heartbeat (he does actually have one, I'm not going bonkers), and I'm reminded of three days in Ohio that went by wayyyyy to fast.

No longer quiet.

2010-09-17T23:19:00.001-07:00

This is where I let my voice be heard, where I don't fear other people's judgment. Where I'm allowed to say what I desire to say. To be just who I am. To be accepted for me or to not be, but to not fear prosecution.

I'm not much for labels. Never have been. Not in shoes, clothing, jewelry or sexual identification. Not until recently. Not until I fell in love with a woman and by not identifying one part of myself I feel as though I'm hiding her and that is not acceptable. I am bi-sexual. I am dating a woman. I love that woman.

I am also dating a man. Say what you ask?! Yes, that's correct, I'm also dating a man and I love that man. So I guess that makes me polyamorous. That to me is like a loaded train going full speed ahead with no means of stopping. The word polyamorous means so many things to so many people. To me it does not mean a revolving door of lovers, but if it does to you - that's okay with me.

I'm bi-sexual (look, I said it again) and in my own world, I thought how wonderful it would be to be able to love a man and a woman and for the three of us to be able to be together. To know about each other, to be open with one another, for there to be no secrets. We would all live on the "compound" as I jokingly call it. (That's perhaps a whole other blog post) Life would be grand. A lil bit of Utopia here on earth perhaps.

I had pondered explaining how it all began between A., R. and I but that's for another post. I will say this, when I first started talking to R. that wasn't my intention. I'm rather sure it wasn't his intention either. An attraction just sort of organically grew and when I "met" A., his wife, - well it felt like the triangle was now complete which leads me back to here.

I want to be able to talk about this experience and whatever else I feel like talking about. The love, the trials and tribulations we'll no doubt have, the legality issues of being a poly triad. For instance, I can never really marry R. because A. is married to him. How much does that bother me? Do I feel less loved or do I still feel like he would lay across train tracks for me (yep, I do) even though I can never have a piece of paper that says I'm his, or hers for that matter. Sometimes I'm a secret, sometimes they are a secret, what about financial stuff in the future, or if I get really sick and am in the hospital - can they both be there? I apparently have a thing for trains, well, not really, but I must think they are well used in metaphors.

So there you have it. I am a girl, in love with a girl, and in love with a man, and this is me speaking up.