Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'm not sleeping well.

Every morning I wake up and am pretty much ready to go right back to bed.  More days than not I find I have to force myself to get up and get moving.  Today at my pain management doctor recommended and then ordered a sleep study.  *Sigh*  She went on to explain that good sleep helps with pain, Fibromyalgia,,, depression, and a list of other things.  A CPAP machine has also been shown to greatly reduce your risk of cancer.   I guess I'm not getting out it.  Both Anne and Randy have CPAP machines and they both rave about how much it has helped their sleep.  I however get a little freaked out about the thought of wearing a mask on my face every night.

Then of course, not just that, but I have to spend a night away to have the study done.  A small part of me says "Oh, how nice, a bed to myself", but the rest of me dreads the emotional angst that I'm feeling about me being alone for a night and Anne and Randy having some real time alone together.  Not to mention they will expect me to go to bed at 10pm.  REALLY????  10pm.  You've got to be kidding me.  I ask myself what is the worse that can happen??  They might have sex...okay, no big deal.  They might cuddle together....okay, no big deal.  They might talk to each other....Okay....can you see where I'm going here.  There is nothing they can do that is really a bid deal.  I love them, I want them to be happy in their own relationship with each other.  That includes cuddling, talking and having sex.  Right?  I struggle to understand why I have trouble with it.  I want to be like "please, have a great evening together and enjoy each other's company", but in reality I'm not quite able to say it.  Well, I can say it, it just doesn't sound quite how I want it too.  

I think in some ways I struggle with feeling like personal attention between Randy and I is strained and limited over my fear of how Anne will handle it.  In the past there have been a lot of times where it has not been handled well.  There has been some pretty noticeable improvement in this area, yet my fear seems to have not caught up with that.  I think I've gotten to a point where I'm gun shy about showing him too much affection.  I do feel like I'm able to show her affection without censoring how much or what kind in front of Randy.  He has just always handled things like this better.  

At the end of the day, we are all a work in progress here.  I, and to some degree Anne, come with some pretty heavy past baggage that at times weighs in on our current relationship, but it's okay.  We work though it together.  I still wouldn't trade the combined love I have with the both of them.  I feel like I get things from both of them that I wouldn't get from any one person.  The combined things make the struggles we do have worth it.  Plus they love me for me and well, that's just awesome!  <3