Friday, March 25, 2011

A wedding turned sad.

Friends of A. and R. are getting married soon.  A. is actually officiating the wedding.  I've met these friends a couple of times and they seem relatively nice.  


I am not invited to the rehearsal dinner.  The bride does not wish to answer questions about our relationship.  I was invited to the wedding.  Would she not be answering questions there?  So now the question has been asked if I am invited to the wedding and reception as well.  


My partners are so very loving.  R.'s response, which pretty much echoes A.'s was:  "Anywhere Jenne is not welcome means *automatically* I am not welcome either.  I will not have Jenne treated as a second class citizen by my friends, furthermore, if my friends think they can exclude Jenne and remain my friends, fuck them too."


I feel torn.  I don't want my partners to pick me or there friends, but I'm slowly beginning to understand why so many poly couples ultimately have a few social friends.  I'm a little hurt.  Certainly not at anything my partner's have done, if anything I feel as though they have defended their love for me.  I'm hurt that though initially this couple getting married seemed to be in acceptance of our relationship, in the end they really may not be, and they couldn't be honest about it.  

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Life in the everyday

Today A. had a doctor's appointment.  Though we don't all typically accompany each other to appointments, today happened to be one of those days where we did...

I tend to be a people observer.  I watch people, body language, mannerisms, and just about everything else.  A. fills out her paperwork and then asks if her girlfriend can come back for the procedure with her.  What does the receptionist think when she looks over and see R., A.'s husband and me?  Does she put it together?

Ultimately the answer was no, I couldn't go back given what was being done, so as A. gets called back she kisses me on the head.  R. and I begin our waiting process - sometimes chatting, not being affectionate necessary but I would think it would be obvious to an outsider that we were also together.

What does someone else think about that?  Do I care?  In a moment like that the answer is no.  I don't care.  Let the people guess.  However sometimes it will matter...how will I handle that situation?  Afterwards we went out to eat.  A and I were affectionate towards each other, at one point the three of us held hands together.  Do other people notice?

At the end of the day I think there are bigger fish to fry but sometimes I can't help but look around and wonder what other people may think.

If you're in a poly relationship, how do you handle this?  If you're not in a poly relationship, have you seen obvious triads - if so - thoughts?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Walls

We all have pasts.  Some are a little more complicated than others.  Mine being what it is....   Well, I've learned to build walls. Thick, big, concrete walls.  Walls designed to keep anything, anyone out and keep any emotion in that I need to keep in.  They are super cool in design to boot!  ;-)

Then I meet A & R.  Funny thing about all these walls I've built.  They don't work so well in a poly relationship (or any relationship really).  You've heard that line "Communication, Communication, Communication."  Well I had the communication down, about "stuff".  Dreams, goals, weather, movies, music, politics, and even the "bones in my closet."  They weren't secrets.  My partners aren't surprised by anything in my past, my family, my nightmares, my demons...  

Then comes the sensitive stuff, the hard days, the prickly moments.  Somewhere along the line I fought so hard for independence from abuse, independence and an ability to stand on my own two feet, I forgot how to accept partnership and love and companionship.  Not entirely of course but enough that this relationship works so well on so many levels, I wait for it to fail.  I wait for the a bad moment and one of them to say "That's it's I've had it and want out."

So how do you work around that?  How do you make sure you aren't putting up walls?  This isn't so much about being in a poly relationship, but any relationship.

I tend to be a person who wants to avoid conflict.  "What can I do to end the conflict?"  However sometimes in a relationship there is and needs to be conflict.

This journal entry is really two fold.  I started the blog about walls a couple of weeks ago, then left it because life got in the way.  I'm picking it back up now, not creating a new one because in my own mind, this all relates.

We had a argument this weekend.  Fighting happens.  I can say with confidence now that even when fighting it is still "backs against each other and swords drawn to the world", but there is this part of me that gets prickly (totally not productive in an argument FYI), and I become insecure, waiting for that other shoe to drop.  You know, the whole "it's too good to be true", "surely I can't be unconditionally loved by these two amazing people" syndrome.  At the end of the day, I know logically that I can have my cake and eat it too.  That I am loved unconditionally by these two amazing people, but in the heat of it, my past comes charging up and I take old emotions and shove them into the current situation.  Kinda sucky.

Why share this?  Part of me wants to say I'm not entirely sure.  Part of me says because when I'm online reading about other poly families you don't get to read about the rough spots and how others work through them and what about the person who isn't in the fight, or any of the real stuff.  You read a lot about communication, and sex, and the way sex should be (that's a joke), and rules, and this and that, but tell me about the real stuff.  Tell me about when the three of you are fighting, I wanna hear about how the situation is defused, strategies to keep the argument on task, you know the real stuff.....

So how did we defuse the argument?  Fair is fair right?  I wanna know about your experiences so I'm sharing mine.  Initially for a few hours no one defused anything, then slowly but surely we talked, one issue at a time.  An issue would come to the table, we'd talk about it, talk about potential ways to change it and make it better, then we would move on to the next.  I worked on not putting up walls, not being prickly, just being open and knowing that I'm loved, no one is going anywhere even when we're fighting.

Nothing is perfect.  Nothing is resolved overnight, however today was peaceful and loving and assuring in knowing that things will work out.  In our case there are two head strong women, with two pasts coming together, working through a separate set of insecurities and though we no doubt love each other unconditionally and neither of us could imagine being anywhere else, we still have some struggles to work through - at least I know we will do it together.  <3