Wednesday, October 12, 2011

UGH

I recognize that every person and every relationship is different.  I came into this relationship with a lot of insecurities.  One of my partners also has a lot of insecurities.  Sadly some of my insecurities are fueled by said partner and vice a verse.

I have written on the topic of dyad time before.  I struggle with it and don't hide the fact that I do inside my relationship.  Today I'm feeling like I hate it.  I hate having to feel this way.  I hate that when I'm taking my dyad time I'm watching the clock to make sure I don't run over the two hours.  When I'm the one who is left solo - I'm left feeling uncomfortable, crappy, not even really jealous - just basically pissed that we have to do this.  Pissed that we can't seem to figure out how to just let it be organic and natural and take the time we all need with each other.  I know this will pass and that maybe in 2 years, or 5 years, or 6 months we will move beyond this point and it be something resembling how it should really be....but right now, right this minute I'm rather fucking annoyed at the whole situation.

SO...different note:  My personal email has a hyphenated name.  You know like Smith-Jones.  Except my last name isn't Smith and theirs isn't Jones, but you get the point.  Anywho, I used my personal email today to do an email test with a co-worker back in NY.  She gets really excited..."Oh my God you got married??!!" ....uhm.....Yes, Yes I did.  We had a commitment ceremony.  Though I've not completed the process, my last name will incorporate the last name of the two people I love.  Is it a legal wedding?  No, of course, the laws are too dumb to recognize triads.  She congratulates me and then demands I send pictures.  Hmmm...  I have no real pictures to send.  We did have some taken, sadly none of them came out very well and I have this stupid feeling like I will disappoint if I don't send pics of white dresses and tuxes.  Not to mention - oh yeah - by the way I married a man *and* a woman.  *Sigh*

Guess I will chuck this day up to shitsville.

#notsoprettysideofpoly

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