Thursday, September 15, 2011

Right Now

Right now I'm in the middle of R. and A. taking their dyad time.  This week has been particularly tough.  A., R., and I got into a pretty big fight.  One of those fights where you start on topic A and during the fight you touch on topic B, H, Q, D, W, and Z, then back to A again.  At the end of it all you're not even quite sure what you were arguing about.  I'm left feeling a little raw.  I was fine earlier today, but shortly before it came time for them to head back I could my walls starting to creep up.  I had handled the last couple of weeks really well. Tonight I guess not so much.  I have no magical thing to say to make myself feel better.  I know this feeling and this moment shall pass.

With the structure of dyad time, I have commented on how I feel triad sexy time has somewhat suffered.  We get gun shy about asking for something.  Maybe we are making up for not establishing dyad time from the beginning?  Maybe dyad time isn't how we should be going about it?  Maybe all we should have is dyad time?   At the end of the day I think it really just depends on how you feel about it, how your partners feel about it, and what ultimately works for all us.

On a different subject....I wrote an email to the closest family member I have and "outed" myself.  I hate secrets.  I felt like talking to this family member and not talking about loved ones was lying.  Said family member has replied yet.  I guess they may not.  I'm anxious wondering if this family member will reply.

Time will tell.


  1. Good luck with the family member, I know how hard it is to come out. Dyad time (at home, scheduled) sounds rough, to be honest I can't see that being maintained forever, we talked about it but we decided that it would be better for us all to work on our own insecurity issues rather than separate the dyads out just to avoid hurt feelings, but I can see the basis for our consideration of it may have been different from Annes. However, I do believe that individual relatiionships have to find their own way, there is no right or wrong, only that which works for you all. As it is, with travels considered, we all get a fair bit of dyad time anyway (myself someone more alone time of late, but that is ok since I have stuff to get on with in the city) but I could not imagine "dyad time" in the home, it just seems vile.

  2. Hey Natja :-)

    I think the dyad time is tough. I think it is something we have resorted to because A. doesn't work and I work from home. So if we didn't schedule out or make time for dyad time, particularly dyad time with R. we wouldn't have any and we all believe it is important to build the individual relationships as well as the triad.

    I still haven't heard anything from said family member. Sadly at this point I'm having a moment of anxiety when my phone bleeps that I have a new email. I'm trying hard at this point not to assume that she isn't going to come around to supporting me/us. Not everyone responds to email straight away, right?!

  3. Re: dyad time, sounds like a good idea, but I can understand how it might feel like your time as a triad would be suffering from it.

    Have you guys considered setting aside specific time for the triad? I'm sure your spending lots of time together, just living together, but it's different having time set aside specifically to be together and 'work on the relationship.

    Re: your relative, I'm sorry to hear you haven't heard from her yet. It's possible she is taking time to figure out how she feels about it. And she may not know anything about multiple relationships except what the main-stream media reports, which is often pretty ugly.

    You might want to consider sending her a follow-up email in a day or so, saying that you know this took her by surprise, you value your relationship with her, and you would be happy to answer any questions she has about the relationship. You may have said all this in the original email, but I've found follow ups rarely hurt.

  4. Just to clarify, I understand the need for some alone time in each dyad (we all work from home also) my concern is the fact that is excluding and sexualised, which is not maintainable in the long term. I think if dyads want alone time than it should be out of the house, whether they are date nights or weekends away. I don't think replicating Polygamous behaviours in a triad is very healthy and frankly no one should have to feel excluded INSIDE their relationship and home. Polygamous relationships are fundamentally different because they are ultimately hinge relationships where one person is the desired partner, but each partner (usually female) has her own space where HE then visits, there is no sense of someone being banished from their bed whilst their partners get their jollies. I think it is fundamentally unfair and unhealthy.

  5. Jessica,

    Yes, we have set aside specific time for the triad. Some days it seems to work and some days not so much. At some point we lose any feeling of it be organic time together.

    Thank you for reading and supporting and giving good ideas. I was going to follow up with an email today if I hadn't heard from her. I'm happy I did though.