Sunday, July 10, 2011

From then to now

My oh my it's been awhile since I've written anything.  Lots of updating to do.  One of the reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to create a place that talked about the real ins and outs of being in a poly relationship.  We are lucky in this day and age to be able to find resources that many couples couldn't find years ago.  However some of those resources don't tell you how it *really* is.  You get the highlights and "how to overcome jealously", and all sorts of other goodies, but I didn't find was how it was day to day.

As you can tell from the description of my blog, living with my spices (as I like to call them, I "stole" it from someone else I do believe) is a pretty new experience for me.  We have had some ups and downs, bumps and twists, but at the end of the day we all end up in the same bed and I still know this is the best decision I have ever made (even when I sometimes try to self-sabotage).

My last post was about me coming out, this post is about something very personal and real.  In the beginning of me blogging I spoke with my partners about being able to air dirty laundry when otherwise you wouldn't think of it.  I am airing some dirty laundry, but I do it with the hopes that sharing will help or enlighten others.

I have always wanted a child.  I have some health issues that potentially make it not possible.  At 34 I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I would not have children.  Besides I had only been with one other person in my life that I would even consider having a child with and we broke up before we were married.  I met A&R online as the story goes and I knew from the beginning that they had one child and they were content and not looking to have another child.

Fast forward a wee bit to all of us living together and I'm finding myself living with two people that I would *love* to have a child with.  So the conversation begins.  Do we or don't we??  A. (my female partner) hopped on board rather quickly.  She was excited.  She loved being pregnant.  Did she have some fears?  Of course.  Were we both concerned about jealously on her end arising while I was pregnant.....of course.  So then we needed an answer from R.   A baby isn't something you "give" your partner because they want it.  It is not a majority decision.  It has to be a decision that *everyone* agrees to.  I had totally expected him to say no.  Surprising and joyfully he did not.  So we went to the first appointment, did the preliminary blood work, worked through how it made A. feel being the "outsider" at the appointment.  After all, it's not as if every doctor is use to three people walking in and saying "Hey, we are all together."

Then life happens....we got a puppy and on the same day we got a puppy I ended up spending 16 hours in the Emergency Room with pain but walked out still not really knowing what was wrong.  A month later we discovered it was a bulging disc in my back.  A month after that I finally start to get the treatment I needed.  Now, this isn't to say we had done nothing in between.  We spent time at urgent cares and pain management doctors, yada yada yada.  During this whole time, I was completely laid up.  In pain all the time, massive pain, and living on pain meds.  By the end I truly felt like I was losing my mind.  Two weeks after my first spinal injection I had a ovarian cyst rupture.  More pain, another trip to the ER, more pain meds.  Did I mention we had a puppy?  A non house broken lab, cute as a button, but still a puppy?  Less not forget all the other things it takes to run a house.

During this time A. became fearful.  Fearful that having a child would halt dreams we all mutually have land a dome outside of civilization.  (Yes, I know we just bought this house in December, but we are talking dreams here)  Also, there is a lot of money involved (we are thinking) just to have the child.  Plus what happens if something happens to me during the pregnancy or labor?  I had a follow up with my OBGYN about the ruptured cyst and she more of less put her foot on the floored gas pedal saying I didn't have time concerning a baby and that the time to act was *NOW*.  We all felt a little shocked from this, like a decision, or action, or something must happen right now.  A. reopened the discussion of yes or no about a baby and ultimately we decided on no, in part because she felt a lot of pressure given the conversation with the doctor.  Like I said it is not a 2 out of 3 decision.

I was hurt, upset, felt a variety of emotions.  I had a decision to make.  Do I stay, knowing I will never have a child or do I leave in the hopes of one day having a child?  The decision was actually pretty easy, I'm staying. The next obstacle became .... how do I not resent A. for her decision?  How do I mourn the loss of something I have never had?  How do I/we move on from this point?  So I went to (which is a site I totally recommend for poly people, regardless of religion) and posted my situation in a private forum for "Second Wives."

The responses I got shocked me and even hurt a little, though I knew the answers were coming from a place of honesty in their hearts.  The two women that responded, I respect, so I knew I had even more thinking to do.  The night after the first response we had a huge fight here.  I admit I was scared that we might not survive this.  Even if I could learn to not resent would A. learn not to feel guilty?  Oh the questions that arose.

A few days after A. is talking to her Mom and mentions the situation and her Mom replied back with something along the lines of - if this is something she (me) really wants, A. can't deny her.  I think that conversation shocked A.  and she came back to the table to reopen the discussion.  We were able to with clear heads this time to sit and talk about our emotions, where we really were.  A. was able to come to terms with her fears, what she was really feeling, and where her heart really was.

Now us trying for a baby is back on.  I haven't gone back to the doctor yet, but I have been dealing with the aftermath of health issues that need to be dealt with before trying for a baby anyway.  We have hurdles to cross in order for this to happen and in the end it may not happen, but I know that we are together in the decision.

Will A. have some insecurity issues?  Sure.  Will I?  You betcha.  Will R. even?  Yep, probably.  But this I know for sure....our communication had strengthened.  I believe that A. and I (who are both filled with insecurities) are slowly learning we can talk to each other and can work through issues and I'm learning that they aren't going anywhere, an insecurity of mine, and that at the end of the day we will all end up in our bed knowing that though we have issues to work through and trials of life will come at us....we are a team and with our back against each other and swords drawn to the world we will make it through.

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