Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A rambling update

It's a week of weddings....   One I could care less to attend, the other I'm pretty neutral about.  I spoke briefly about one of these weddings in my last blog.  Initially I really tried to take a neutral ground.  What's the big deal?  It's hard for people to accept a poly life, right?  Initially I was telling A. I thought she was perhaps over reacting a bit.  I didn't want to make waves.  I didn't want to come in between existing friendships.  I felt bad.  Now however, I've had some time to let it all sink in.  The reality is, those friends did not view me as being an equal partner to A.  R. is her husband, therefore he was invited.  I'm ...what(?) a second class nobody?  They absolutely dismissed our relationship.  That I am in no way an equal to R., therefore would not be an equal to A. in regards to being married to R.  Somehow I am "less than."  The longer this thought sat with me, the more and more it bugs me.  There is a part of me that doesn't even want to attend their wedding.  Why should I honor their marriage as being real when they do not look at my relationship as being just as real?  There is a large part of me that wishes not to attend.

Babies.  Whoa, bust out the eggshells.  Babies have been a sensitive topic for me - oh - since forever.  A little over a year ago a close friend of mine had twins.  Her and her husband tried for about three, maybe four years to get pregnant before being blessed with conceiving.  During her pregnancy - which was tough for her - I had a blender of emotions.  Most of time (go me!) I was genuinely happy for her.  Sometimes though my ugly green jealous monster would appear and it was *so* hard to squash it.  When the boys were born they were beautiful.  No, I don't mean like every baby is beautiful, but beautiful in their conception.  Living, breathing, little creatures, made from my dear friends.  My heart while filled with happiness for her, filled with sadness for my own lack of child.  I have always wanted children.  Due to medical reasons and personal belief I do not yet have one.

So here we are.  Now I'm in a relationship where there are two people that I would love nothing more than to have a child with.  There are questions to be answered.  Logistics to be worked out, but as time goes by, the desire admittedly grows stronger.  This comes as no shock to either partner, so I'm not using my blog as a means of spilling my hidden beans or anything.  The desire, the want, I think is shared by all.  The logistics, the financial, the age factor, the medical factor, yada, yada, yada has yet to be worked out.  None the less I find myself looking at pregnant women (and damn there seems to be a lot of them lately) and longing to be one of them.  I want to share the experience with A., for if such a thing ever happened, she would be just as much Mom as me.  I *want* to share that experience.  I *want* to have a child with both of them.  The topic, writing about the topic, is a sensitive topic for me.

How are we in general?  So kind of you to ask....  :-)     Things between the three of us are actually pretty well.  I'm learning to speak when I have things on my mind and be more open.  A. and I in general are communicating better.  We've tried some things, abandoned some things, combined our finances (which makes me feel better - I'm no longer a "renter"), have triad brunches on Sunday, and in general I think are falling into our groove.

I'm happy, I'm loved, and I wouldn't change this life for the world.