Sunday, March 6, 2011

Walls

We all have pasts.  Some are a little more complicated than others.  Mine being what it is....   Well, I've learned to build walls. Thick, big, concrete walls.  Walls designed to keep anything, anyone out and keep any emotion in that I need to keep in.  They are super cool in design to boot!  ;-)

Then I meet A & R.  Funny thing about all these walls I've built.  They don't work so well in a poly relationship (or any relationship really).  You've heard that line "Communication, Communication, Communication."  Well I had the communication down, about "stuff".  Dreams, goals, weather, movies, music, politics, and even the "bones in my closet."  They weren't secrets.  My partners aren't surprised by anything in my past, my family, my nightmares, my demons...  

Then comes the sensitive stuff, the hard days, the prickly moments.  Somewhere along the line I fought so hard for independence from abuse, independence and an ability to stand on my own two feet, I forgot how to accept partnership and love and companionship.  Not entirely of course but enough that this relationship works so well on so many levels, I wait for it to fail.  I wait for the a bad moment and one of them to say "That's it's I've had it and want out."

So how do you work around that?  How do you make sure you aren't putting up walls?  This isn't so much about being in a poly relationship, but any relationship.

I tend to be a person who wants to avoid conflict.  "What can I do to end the conflict?"  However sometimes in a relationship there is and needs to be conflict.

This journal entry is really two fold.  I started the blog about walls a couple of weeks ago, then left it because life got in the way.  I'm picking it back up now, not creating a new one because in my own mind, this all relates.

We had a argument this weekend.  Fighting happens.  I can say with confidence now that even when fighting it is still "backs against each other and swords drawn to the world", but there is this part of me that gets prickly (totally not productive in an argument FYI), and I become insecure, waiting for that other shoe to drop.  You know, the whole "it's too good to be true", "surely I can't be unconditionally loved by these two amazing people" syndrome.  At the end of the day, I know logically that I can have my cake and eat it too.  That I am loved unconditionally by these two amazing people, but in the heat of it, my past comes charging up and I take old emotions and shove them into the current situation.  Kinda sucky.

Why share this?  Part of me wants to say I'm not entirely sure.  Part of me says because when I'm online reading about other poly families you don't get to read about the rough spots and how others work through them and what about the person who isn't in the fight, or any of the real stuff.  You read a lot about communication, and sex, and the way sex should be (that's a joke), and rules, and this and that, but tell me about the real stuff.  Tell me about when the three of you are fighting, I wanna hear about how the situation is defused, strategies to keep the argument on task, you know the real stuff.....

So how did we defuse the argument?  Fair is fair right?  I wanna know about your experiences so I'm sharing mine.  Initially for a few hours no one defused anything, then slowly but surely we talked, one issue at a time.  An issue would come to the table, we'd talk about it, talk about potential ways to change it and make it better, then we would move on to the next.  I worked on not putting up walls, not being prickly, just being open and knowing that I'm loved, no one is going anywhere even when we're fighting.

Nothing is perfect.  Nothing is resolved overnight, however today was peaceful and loving and assuring in knowing that things will work out.  In our case there are two head strong women, with two pasts coming together, working through a separate set of insecurities and though we no doubt love each other unconditionally and neither of us could imagine being anywhere else, we still have some struggles to work through - at least I know we will do it together.  <3

2 comments:

  1. You are amazing. And I love you.

    No matter how bad my insecurities get, I *know* you love me back. And I'll hold onto that, until the seas stop rocking and we can sit in the calm after the storm, together.

    Anne.

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad to have found your blog. I'm learning from your experiences. Please Please keep writing.
    Ayisha

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