Thursday, February 3, 2011

Get over it.

I haven't written in awhile.  Life, a back injury, and work have prevented such happenings, but alas here I am.

I'm frustrated with myself which is why in part I'm nearly forcing myself to sit down and write right now even though I much rather crawl back in bed with Anne and sleep.  Sleep, what a beautiful thing when it happens.  
I'm frustrated with myself for getting jealous (not entirely sure that's the right word to even use) at the stupid things.  

For those that know or don't know we are private about our poly relationship - at least somewhat private about it.  Most days it's no big deal.  We can go out and about in public and just ourselves.  It is rare the the three of us are together and it's not exactly like you suck face with your partner/partners in public anyway.  

There was a death in R's family and he has had to return home for the funeral.  There was talk about his father paying for the "three of us" and then it struck the "three of us" didn't include me because I am not known about.  That makes me feel like a bitch for writing that so let me say this:  R. knows there is no pressure to come out to his parents about me, just as there is no pressure for me to come out to my Aunt about the two of them.  I'm am okay with that, but then something like a death in the family presents itself and I can't be there for him.  You notice little things.  I don't even want to notice the little things.  Perhaps logistically I wouldn't have gone anyway but the only thing I can seem to focus on is the fact that it is not an option.  

So I gave my support while here, stole (with his permission of course) a tee-shirt of his (yes I'm a dork), and this morning Anne and I took him to the airport.  He posts a Facebook message (and again b/c we aren't entirely out), I simply can only post "Travel Safe".  Anne can post her love for him.  Does that really matter?  I feel like I'm being petty and stupid.  However it's little things like that and a few other small things that trigger the feelings of being "second".  At the same time, the other part of me knows he loves me, she loves me, I love her, I love him, so should a FB post even matter?  I want to say no, but sadly, right this minute, I can't.

I feel slightly less than.    


6 comments:

  1. *hugs* my love. And thank you for talking with me, when I came to you after reading this.

    I love you. And in my heart, you are *never* second.

    Anne.

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  2. Perhaps it 'shouldn't' matter, but it 'does' and therefore it is an issue you have to work with and get over. For some, that is more easy than others. I think it takes a lot of strength and restraint to live that way. And you just have to remember that, rather than thinking of it as a failing, after all it goes against your instincts to be openly loving and supportive.
    I think you are being too hard on yourself.

    I have had a bad back also since I gave up work, it has improved a great deal but still hurts sometimes, so I do sympathise.

    Yanno, there IS a huge adjustment time period when a Polyfamily joins together, it will takes months and possibly years to stabilise, just be prepared for the long haul and don't beat yourself up too much over your negative feelings.

    x

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  3. Hey! How are you guys doing? I wrote to you on sw and did not hear anything, I have been trying to get you onto the private forums but....?

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  4. Hey Natja, we are good. Busy and crazy with life. Not sure I saw the private message on SW. I'm heading there now!

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  5. This may sound trite, but this may be one of those times when you have to count your blessings and let the stuff that sucks kind of go. You have two people that love you a lot, and that is not something to sneeze at. That is huge compared to those smaller things that suck. Trust me, when the big things suck and you have to look the other way for whatever reasons, it is much worse.

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  6. @Anonymous: I agree. You do have to count your blessings and I count my blessings every day. I feel incredibly lucky to have both A & R in my life. That doesn't mean I shouldn't express how I'm feeling about a situation.

    I/We think it's through communication that things get worked out, that feelings are dealt with and that ultimately made it so I was able to move past this moment.

    I feel that is one of the blessings of being able to blog (though I've been a little lax as of late). I'm free to express my feelings and thoughts.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you are again certainly right about counting blessings.

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