Thursday, January 6, 2011
Scratched and Dented
I'm wanting to blog about something that's very personal to me. Something unrelated to being in a poly relationship, yet something that directly effects this relationship. My struggle here is how do I keep one end private and still share what I want to share. R. says you deal with the cards you are dealt with in life and I was dealt a pretty shitty hand and did a pretty good job with the hand I was dealt. At times I feel broken, damaged, dirty, spooked, scared, and this list could on. I have nightmares all the time lately. They weren't always all the time, they had been getting better but about a month before I moved someone had broken into my apartment and since then they have been nightly.
A. and R. go out of their way to show love, support and understanding. They promise to work with me to get through this time (and I can tell by the look on both of their faces, they mean it), they don't make me feel damaged (He calls it scratched and dented), they make me feel loved, more loved than I have ever felt in my entire life. I think that's a benefit of being in a poly relationship - I'm able to be comforted by the both of them. Calmed by his protective nature, nurtured by her tender touch and sweet voice. Sad almost that I need it? Perhaps, but it is what it is and the fact that they give it so willingly, so freely, so openly, shows me that without a doubt I've found "my people." I intend to spend the rest of my life loving them back, sharing joys and sorrows (b/c we all know they will come).
I can at times be insecure, I think we all can. Being in a comfortable zone to share that insecurity is completely foreign and new to me. I watch A. being able to share her insecurity and any other emotion or thought so freely, so safely. I sometimes watch both of them in awe at their love, the safety they have created within their marriage, the safety they have brought me into. I think she worries that she's the "needy" or "special" one because I don't always express my insecurities, but it's simply because I'm not use to being able to. We've actually talked about that and I'm working on opening more. Anyone knows, communication, communication, communication.
In the last two weeks I've learned a lot about myself. The last two weeks have confirmed for me that though eight months of long distance relationships suck butt (there is just no nice way of putting it) - in the end it can be totally worth it. I've learned that my gut instinct is right. I look at him as I write this right now, him playing a video game, her playing a video game and I can't help but think - they are my people (a geek like me too!), they love me, I love them and though there are large vast majorities of people in the world that will never understand what we have it is their loss not ours.
With love and peace....