Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Met with resistance

A couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of friends of mine about the commitment ceremony between Anne, R. and I.  In  some ways it was a slow build process for me.  I told two people who I was "certain" would be understanding and supportive.  I was met with resistance.  It broke my heart.  I know that this lifestyle isn't for everyone, but I've been the kind of person who was friends with people who were judgmental.  My opinion is - do what makes you happy.  Most of my friends, or so I thought, felt the same way.


That was the beginning part of this post.  I had saved this in my drafts because I wasn't really ready to write about it.  Luckily in both cases, both friends have ultimately come around and given support.  I think *I* need to be more patient and understand there might not be instant acceptance.  There will most definitely be questions.  Sadly from some people there will not be acceptance.  Those are just the facts of life.  I know this logically.  I think emotionally there is still part of me that just wants to believe everyone will be accepting.

For me I think the lesson is I'm lucky I am loved by some people who are accepting and will love me even if they don't always agree with my "life choice", however I need to prepare myself for the fact that not everyone will.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Date Set!!

We have set a date for our wedding, commitment ceremony or whatever you'd like to call it!!  I'm very excited about this!  I have a thing for 3's - go figure.  Actually, I should have known I'd be a poly girl because this song has always been a favorite of mine.   LOL.  So anywho, our date is 3-3-12.   Our ceremony will have a three theme to it, though, don't worry, we won't have 3's hanging from the ceiling.  Well, actually, there won't be a ceiling as we plan on getting married outside.  Woot!  One thing down, a million more to go!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Who talks about.....

Filling out legal forms?  Health insurance?  Car Insurance?

Tonight I'm filling out a form for my dental insurance which comes with a default little life insurance policy.  Naturally I want A. and R. to be the beneficiaries of this policy.  It certainly won't make them rich, but it would definitely allow them to handle my burial (or in my case cremation) expenses and life celebration.  (Notice I specifically did not say funeral)  So I listed all the information necessary then sat stumped at the "Relationship" field.  What do I put?  It's a legal form.  Can I put domestic partners?  Lovers?  The people who make me feel better than anyone ever has on the face of this planet?  (Frankly the box is big enough for the latter.)  No.  I put friend.  Friend?!?  Really?  Just a friend.  Yes, we are friends, but that isn't our primary relationship.

It makes me wonder about other things like - being sick.  I have some health issues, what if I end up in the hospital and it's "family only"?  They are my family.  Heaven forbid it be something serious and decision needs to be made, then what?  My brother (shudders at the thought) would get to make a decision?  They know more about me than he does.  My Aunt?  Would a fight ensue?  How do I make sure they have those rights.  Not just one of them, but both of them.  Clearly I have some research cut out for me.  I will be certain to write more about this later.

We have talked about an LLC for house stuff and making sure I have some of the same protection that A. does, but the things in return - me giving to them, their rights to carry out my wishes, access to my belongings, wealth (LOL) etc...  

For now, I sign off a wee bit sad I just classified my relationship as a friendship.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Lessons you learn

The title really should probably say, "Lessons you learn, Part 1 of a billion" .....

I've hurt my back.  Lesson # 1 - Do not try to extend leg up to soap caddy to have a spot to place foot in order to shave leg while in shower.  Lesson # 2 - When yours partner tell you slow down or you are going to further hurt yourself, listen to them.  They are right.  I spent the entire day yesterday drugged up and in bed and pretty darn miserable.

She had been longing for some physical connection.  Ideally from both of us, but at least from one of us.  I would have liked to been able to participate (so I'm hoping you can imagine just how much pain I was in) but I was simply not able to.  We are all laying in bed and I start to hear the start of some fooling around.  It felt "weird" (for a complete lack of a better word) for me to just lay there while they did there thing.  So I explained my position, explained I understood hers, that I wanted her needs to be met, and that I would go lay down on the couch.  Just to be clear - this was all somewhat against her and his wishes, but I knew she wanted to play.

I'm laying on the couch and I begin to hear the play....   boy did I start to get jealous.  I'd love to say I handled it all cool like, but the reality is, I didn't. So far we've mainly played together.  If we weren't playing together then it's because one of us wasn't even in the house....   or really - in the state.  Surely I can't make a stink or say anything about this, because I wanted them to continue even though they offered to stop and wait.    I didn't want them to stop because I love them and though part of me felt very jealous, part of me was happy she was getting what she needed.  Ultimately I went to my desk, put headphones on and listened to music.  When they were done he came out to get me and we snuggled back up again.

I'd like to get to a point where I'm not feeling jealously at all.  Especially when it was a decision and choice I've made.  Admittedly, I have no idea how to do this.  Time and communication are a good place to start though.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Scratched and Dented

I'm wanting to blog about something that's very personal to me.  Something unrelated to being in a poly relationship, yet something that directly effects this relationship.  My struggle here is how do I keep one end private and still share what I want to share.  R. says you deal with the cards you are dealt with in life and I was dealt a pretty shitty hand and did a pretty good job with the hand I was dealt.  At times I feel broken, damaged, dirty, spooked, scared, and this list could on.  I have nightmares all the time lately.  They weren't always all the time, they had been getting better but about a month before I moved someone had broken into my apartment and since then they have been nightly. 

A. and R. go out of their way to show love, support and understanding.  They promise to work with me to get through this time (and I can tell by the look on both of their faces, they mean it), they don't make me feel damaged (He calls it scratched and dented), they make me feel loved, more loved than I have ever felt in my entire life.  I think that's a benefit of being in a poly relationship -  I'm able to be comforted by the both of them.  Calmed by his protective nature, nurtured by her tender touch and sweet voice.  Sad almost that I need it?  Perhaps, but it is what it is and the fact that they give it so willingly, so freely, so openly, shows me that without a doubt I've found "my people."  I intend to spend the rest of my life loving them back, sharing joys and sorrows (b/c we all know they will come).

I can at times be insecure, I think we all can.  Being in a comfortable zone to share that insecurity is completely foreign and new to me.  I watch A. being able to share her insecurity and any other emotion or thought so freely, so safely.  I sometimes watch both of them in awe at their love, the safety they have created within their marriage, the safety they have brought me into.  I think she worries that she's the "needy" or "special" one because I don't always express my insecurities, but it's simply because I'm not use to being able to.  We've actually talked about that and I'm working on opening more.  Anyone knows, communication, communication, communication.  

In the last two weeks I've learned a lot about myself.  The last two weeks have confirmed for me that though eight months of long distance relationships suck butt (there is just no nice way of putting it) - in the end it can be totally worth it.  I've learned that my gut instinct is right.  I look at him as I write this right now, him playing a video game, her playing a video game and I can't help but think - they are my people (a geek like me too!), they love me, I love them and though there are large vast majorities of people in the world that will never understand what we have it is their loss not ours.  

With love and peace....

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Settling in...

Sometimes life is like riding a rollercoaster.  You take the good with the bad.
The good - She and he asked me to spend the rest of my life with them.  I think it was the single most happiest moment in my life in the last ten years for certain.  Never in my life have I felt more loved.  I know I'm wanted.  I know I've found home - and I don't just mean four walls and a roof.

The bad - I can't really shout it from any rooftop.  Secrets.  Secrets kind of suck.

I just got engaged and could not be more happier about it but can't share it with the people I care about it.
There is admittedly a part of me that wants to just shout it from the rooftops anyway and if you don't care enough about me to be happy about it then I guess you weren't really my friend anyway, but then anyone who knows anything about choosing a poly lifestyle (which really isn't me) knows that you can't really do that.  Life just isn't that simple.

There are other things as well.  You have this idea of how things will be.  You know (if you have half a brain at least) that it won't be all peaches and cream, but you think things will go this way or that way.  The reality has been different that how I thought it would be.  Different is necessarily bad, but it's different.

A. and I have had two notable arguments.  One of them was pretty bad.  The beauty of it was even in the heat of the argument I knew she still loved me, still wanted me, and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.  I also I knew I felt the same exact way about her.  It was difficult dealing with my emotions.  I'm in a strange city, missing a dear friend (who passed away in August) whom I long to be able to talk to, so trying to work through a variety of emotions was a little difficult and didn't help the argument.  I'm glad it's over and since then we've done alright.

Things I thought we may have issues over we have not had issues over and things I didn't even think about - I have now had to think about to either make sure they don't become an issue, or to work through them for one reason or another.

With all of that said, I'm one loved, happy girl.  I feel like I belong, like I'm wanted, needed, loved, liked, and enjoyed.  I'm cared for and I enjoy caring for others.  I struggle with some things and we have things to still work on and get through but I have no doubt in my mind we will work through them.