Saturday, December 24, 2011
In many ways it is hard to believe it's been just a year of living together. Some days I feel like I'm wrapped in my favorite pair of jeans. Some days it is still fresh and exciting. We come together at each moment in life between birthdays, death in the family, deaths of pets, we celebrate and mourn together. I couldn't imagine my life without both of them.
As of now, all three of us are "out" to our family and friends. We are slowly gaining acceptance when people realize that we are not much different than a monogamous couple. We love, we laugh, we cry, we hurt, we support each other, and we gain strength in knowing that we are moving through this journey of life with each other.
There is comfort and joy in that knowledge.
Happy Holidays to everyone! May you be filled with love and joy!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
The more people see that being poly doesn't mean you're a freak, the quicker we will gain acceptance!
Friday, November 11, 2011
I went over to the Sisterwives site and emailed someone whom I believe has 20 years of experience and tons of knowledge and logic. We chatted for about an hour and though she didn't tell me anything I didn't really already know, she did give me the confidence in knowing that we are on a good path. She was very generous to take time out of her life to chat with me and I definitely appreciate it. Are we perfect? Of course not. Is this life choice the easiest one to make? Heck no. Is it totally worth it? Heck YES!
There are a lot of things to consider when taking dyad time. Does the wife feel confident that her husband still loves her and wants her and desires her? Does the second wife feel confident in knowing that she is loved, not second by any matter of the heart and that she is also wanted and desired? One of the things that this person recommended was A. and I going out on a date together. Sure we go to lunch, we run errands together, but an actual date. I like the idea and am hoping to soon do just that. Our husband R. does his best to make sure we both know he loves us too.
It's not all about sexy time either. Casual touches, drive by kisses, heart pongs ( <3 in a chat window), or other little things to let each other know we love each other and that we want each other. I'm hoping in time to be able to share how we worked through the struggles of dyad time because it is important, especially since A. and I are always home so we can't just get private time when someone else is gone.
We are trial and error here. It's not like there are great role models to look up to. Again, that is the main purpose of this blog. I'm trying to be as open as possible about what it is like in a poly marriage. Oh speaking of marriage, I have some things to write about that too, but that's for another post! ;-)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Update 05/26/2015: Oh the poor girl writing this post had NO idea how fighting worked or how to communicate her emotions. She also hadn't fully grasped what unconditional love really meant. I'm thankful I'm no longer in this place. Communication, even tough topics, is so much easier now because we've all seen first hand its benefits.
The family (in Parenthood that is) is pretty close even when times are tough. One of the things I love is how they come together around music. There is a part of me that wishes my family was like that. Tonight we were (are, still at the moment, (I'm the DJ)) jamming out to music and I had this feeling that "Hey, my family is like that."
I think family is what you make it. I can spend my time feeling like I'm left out or less than or second, or I can spend my time realizing that this is my family. Whether I have been here physically for the last twenty years really doesn't matter. I'm loved by N., Anne's and R's son, I'm dearly loved by Anne and R., and I'm slowly but surely finding my way here.
Earlier tonight we had some friends over. When they were departing "he" asked "her" to go to the car for a second because he had a question to ask us. "He" wanted to know our opinion of "her" and wanted to know a Christmas suggestion. I think we were all touched. First off, we totally adore "her". They are a great fit. It was also touching to recognize that our opinion mattered. I wish the two of them nothing but the best.
Life isn't always perfect, but right now, it is pretty damn good and I'm okay with that! :-)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I have written on the topic of dyad time before. I struggle with it and don't hide the fact that I do inside my relationship. Today I'm feeling like I hate it. I hate having to feel this way. I hate that when I'm taking my dyad time I'm watching the clock to make sure I don't run over the two hours. When I'm the one who is left solo - I'm left feeling uncomfortable, crappy, not even really jealous - just basically pissed that we have to do this. Pissed that we can't seem to figure out how to just let it be organic and natural and take the time we all need with each other. I know this will pass and that maybe in 2 years, or 5 years, or 6 months we will move beyond this point and it be something resembling how it should really be....but right now, right this minute I'm rather fucking annoyed at the whole situation.
SO...different note: My personal email has a hyphenated name. You know like Smith-Jones. Except my last name isn't Smith and theirs isn't Jones, but you get the point. Anywho, I used my personal email today to do an email test with a co-worker back in NY. She gets really excited..."Oh my God you got married??!!" ....uhm.....Yes, Yes I did. We had a commitment ceremony. Though I've not completed the process, my last name will incorporate the last name of the two people I love. Is it a legal wedding? No, of course, the laws are too dumb to recognize triads. She congratulates me and then demands I send pictures. Hmmm... I have no real pictures to send. We did have some taken, sadly none of them came out very well and I have this stupid feeling like I will disappoint if I don't send pics of white dresses and tuxes. Not to mention - oh yeah - by the way I married a man *and* a woman. *Sigh*
Guess I will chuck this day up to shitsville.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
As you may know from my last blog I had come out to a family member. I had been fretting the last few days and what her reaction might be.
Today while we were out celebrating my birthday at Amazing Jake's which is great fun by the way, she sent an email wishing me a happy birthday and telling me that she loves and believes that I deserve happiness and if my partners are bringing me that, then it's all good.
My reply was short given where I was, but, that was the best birthday gift ever and I had gotten some other pretty awesome gifts.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
With the structure of dyad time, I have commented on how I feel triad sexy time has somewhat suffered. We get gun shy about asking for something. Maybe we are making up for not establishing dyad time from the beginning? Maybe dyad time isn't how we should be going about it? Maybe all we should have is dyad time? At the end of the day I think it really just depends on how you feel about it, how your partners feel about it, and what ultimately works for all us.
On a different subject....I wrote an email to the closest family member I have and "outed" myself. I hate secrets. I felt like talking to this family member and not talking about loved ones was lying. Said family member has replied yet. I guess they may not. I'm anxious wondering if this family member will reply.
Time will tell.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Simple logic says a triad is three. A couple is two. My partners have been married to each other for 20 years. I've been with them for a little over a year. This is my first successful poly relationship that's worth talking about. (I could talk about the creepy JTK poly relationship, maybe, but that's certainly for another time.)
From my perspective, our triad is the only relationship I've know with A. and R. From A.'s perspective and from R.'s too....they have known their dyad and now our triad. When I first moved in, our focus was on our triad. As most people know, it's easy to get "stuck" in a groove. A few months plus in, A. began asking for dyad time with R. and dyad time with me. There had always been this general knowledge that in our triad there are really five relationships: our triad, A. and R., A. and me, R. and me, and of course - time with ourselves too. We were totally not practicing that, even though we knew it logically.
So it began. Couple time. I did not handle this very well at first. (Like I said, sometimes I've got to be willing to share the ugly in order for my blog to have purpose to me and hopefully others.) I'm not sure I would say I was jealous of the time that A. and R. spent together. I was hurt, felt alone, felt less than, sometimes I'd think “They are probably in there trying to figure out how to get me leave.” Some moments I'd think they were each thinking that they were finally able to spend time with their "real" partner. (I know, I know. Aren't insecurities grand?)
Initially we kept missing the boat. R. would spend time with A. but would drop the ball when it came to spending time with me. In my opinion, it's hard from his perspective because he knows he is going to upset or hurt one of his spouses. Things would come, life would get in the way and two weeks would go by and R. would spend time with A. again, and then not with me. Now in some fairness....A. was expressing her need. I would say "Yeah, I want that too", but I wouldn't really ask for it, or demand it.
We work on trying to know ourselves better, understanding our insecurities and be able to work through them. I would ask myself, what does it mean when i feel a "ping" or a "twinge" when moments like that happen? I'm in the room and A. says, “R. do you think I can take pain meds?” Almost as if I'm not there. Why does that bother me, why does it matter? Logically, I get that she is just used to asking him about things. So it shouldn't bother me. These are the things that my insecurities try to use as proof when I'm feeling insecure. (When I mentioned this example to A., she had another perspective: I wasn’t awake when she’d last taken her meds, so of course asking me wouldn’t really help.)
It is really important to talk about what those “pings” are because there’s “his story”, “her story”, “my story”... and somewhere in there lies the truth of the matter. The more we share and talk, the closer to the truth -- as we all three see it -- we get. A bonus to this communication is greater bonding. Now that A. and R. know some of the “pings” I feel, they can be more sensitive in how they do those things. And in talking to them about those “pings”, I’ve felt more secure because they have listened -- both to my trouble and in making those little changes.
The good thing is most of the time I'm secure in my place in my family....otherwise I might go crazy. Of course that would be a short trip anyway. ;-)
Going back to dyad nights... In the beginning, I would have a *really* hard time dealing with their time together. I felt like my time with R. was good, it allowed us to be intimate without worry to A.’s feelings, it allowed me to work on building a relationship with him that was separate from the triad. Don’t miss understand, A. and I do the same “work”, but since I work from home, we have a little more time together so it just flows more naturally. To cope with those nights, I would focus on things I could do for two hours. I didn’t really want to watch a movie because my thoughts could wander. I wanted to actively do something, so I took the dog to the dog park, I played video games, I did the dishes from dinner, I would listen to music through my headphones at the top volume. I would do whatever was necessary to get through the time period. Slowly I began to notice that I had no trouble getting through the time, but the departure (them going back to the bedroom) was awkward at best and the reunion of the triad was awkward. A. and I are different in how we handle things. I tend to withdrawal, she tends to desire affection. Then slowly, but surely, going back wasn’t terribly awkward, getting through the time was fine, but the reunion still needed some work. Currently we meet in the pool for a late night swim. It’s a great way for us to come back together.
Recently while taking dyad time with R. we were talking about ….well I don’t even remember. What I do remember is having this sudden flood of emotion. Emotion telling me he is my husband. Not A.’s husband, not our husband, but *my* husband. I felt like I finally got what A. was talking about.
Today I can tell you that I *love* my husband and I *love* my wife. They are both equally important to me. Is every dyad time perfect? Nope. Do we still argue? Yup! Except lately we’ve been learning and growing and fighting less and more “above the belt” and I know without a shadow of a doubt if we keep talking, trusting, and loving our lives will be filled with more good than bad.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Some days... We've all had them. That day where we just want to stay in bed and do nothing. Hopefully those days are few and far between. Today is one of those days for me. I'm tired, I didn't sleep well (yet again) and frankly the not sleeping well bit is getting *really* old.
Today my insecurities are screaming, sometimes it's easy to fight off, sometimes not so much. I'm frustrated by this. I'm loved. I love them. Most of the time we have a pretty happy existence. No one is fighting it is not like that. I can't shake a funk. I miss having my eyes set upon a goal. I don't listen to enough music. I don't listen enough to new (to me) music. I'm slacking on gardening. I'm slacking on candle-making. Perhaps I'm just slacking all the way around.
Pooey on this ranty post....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
As anyone knows who has been reading my blog, I'm pretty new to Arizona. I also work from home and while I love working from home it doesn't give me much of a chance to meet new people. So the question arises...how do you meet new people? We aren't the bar kind of peeps. R. and I both love live music but sadly I sort of take issue with large crowds. Well it's not so much the crowds as feeling trapped. Anyway, in any case it strikes off the bar scene, plus I would really prefer to meet like minded people.
So I have been exploring ways to meet new people. I joined the meetup.com poly group for my area, I joined a local poly group, I even have an OKCupid profile which clearly states that I am married and only looking for friends. Yes, by the way, my partners know about it.
I have seen some discussions of these groups and neither leave me with a feeling of "oh, I want to be a part of that!" So now what? I have the feeling that neither of these two groups really contain people with the same mindset as us. We are practicing poly fidelity not just polyamorous. Most of what I have seen is just married people looking for a casual partner.
The question becomes, do we go? Do we go to a meetup trying to find people like us? Or do we just pass it up? What would you do?
By the way, this blog brought to you via Blogger for Droid and my oh my does that make me happy!! :)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
As you can tell from the description of my blog, living with my spices (as I like to call them, I "stole" it from someone else I do believe) is a pretty new experience for me. We have had some ups and downs, bumps and twists, but at the end of the day we all end up in the same bed and I still know this is the best decision I have ever made (even when I sometimes try to self-sabotage).
My last post was about me coming out, this post is about something very personal and real. In the beginning of me blogging I spoke with my partners about being able to air dirty laundry when otherwise you wouldn't think of it. I am airing some dirty laundry, but I do it with the hopes that sharing will help or enlighten others.
I have always wanted a child. I have some health issues that potentially make it not possible. At 34 I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I would not have children. Besides I had only been with one other person in my life that I would even consider having a child with and we broke up before we were married. I met A&R online as the story goes and I knew from the beginning that they had one child and they were content and not looking to have another child.
Fast forward a wee bit to all of us living together and I'm finding myself living with two people that I would *love* to have a child with. So the conversation begins. Do we or don't we?? A. (my female partner) hopped on board rather quickly. She was excited. She loved being pregnant. Did she have some fears? Of course. Were we both concerned about jealously on her end arising while I was pregnant.....of course. So then we needed an answer from R. A baby isn't something you "give" your partner because they want it. It is not a majority decision. It has to be a decision that *everyone* agrees to. I had totally expected him to say no. Surprising and joyfully he did not. So we went to the first appointment, did the preliminary blood work, worked through how it made A. feel being the "outsider" at the appointment. After all, it's not as if every doctor is use to three people walking in and saying "Hey, we are all together."
Then life happens....we got a puppy and on the same day we got a puppy I ended up spending 16 hours in the Emergency Room with pain but walked out still not really knowing what was wrong. A month later we discovered it was a bulging disc in my back. A month after that I finally start to get the treatment I needed. Now, this isn't to say we had done nothing in between. We spent time at urgent cares and pain management doctors, yada yada yada. During this whole time, I was completely laid up. In pain all the time, massive pain, and living on pain meds. By the end I truly felt like I was losing my mind. Two weeks after my first spinal injection I had a ovarian cyst rupture. More pain, another trip to the ER, more pain meds. Did I mention we had a puppy? A non house broken lab, cute as a button, but still a puppy? Less not forget all the other things it takes to run a house.
During this time A. became fearful. Fearful that having a child would halt dreams we all mutually have ....like land a dome outside of civilization. (Yes, I know we just bought this house in December, but we are talking dreams here) Also, there is a lot of money involved (we are thinking) just to have the child. Plus what happens if something happens to me during the pregnancy or labor? I had a follow up with my OBGYN about the ruptured cyst and she more of less put her foot on the floored gas pedal saying I didn't have time concerning a baby and that the time to act was *NOW*. We all felt a little shocked from this, like a decision, or action, or something must happen right now. A. reopened the discussion of yes or no about a baby and ultimately we decided on no, in part because she felt a lot of pressure given the conversation with the doctor. Like I said it is not a 2 out of 3 decision.
I was hurt, upset, felt a variety of emotions. I had a decision to make. Do I stay, knowing I will never have a child or do I leave in the hopes of one day having a child? The decision was actually pretty easy, I'm staying. The next obstacle became .... how do I not resent A. for her decision? How do I mourn the loss of something I have never had? How do I/we move on from this point? So I went to http://sisterwives.yuku.com/ (which is a site I totally recommend for poly people, regardless of religion) and posted my situation in a private forum for "Second Wives."
The responses I got shocked me and even hurt a little, though I knew the answers were coming from a place of honesty in their hearts. The two women that responded, I respect, so I knew I had even more thinking to do. The night after the first response we had a huge fight here. I admit I was scared that we might not survive this. Even if I could learn to not resent would A. learn not to feel guilty? Oh the questions that arose.
A few days after A. is talking to her Mom and mentions the situation and her Mom replied back with something along the lines of - if this is something she (me) really wants, A. can't deny her. I think that conversation shocked A. and she came back to the table to reopen the discussion. We were able to with clear heads this time to sit and talk about our emotions, where we really were. A. was able to come to terms with her fears, what she was really feeling, and where her heart really was.
Now us trying for a baby is back on. I haven't gone back to the doctor yet, but I have been dealing with the aftermath of health issues that need to be dealt with before trying for a baby anyway. We have hurdles to cross in order for this to happen and in the end it may not happen, but I know that we are together in the decision.
Will A. have some insecurity issues? Sure. Will I? You betcha. Will R. even? Yep, probably. But this I know for sure....our communication had strengthened. I believe that A. and I (who are both filled with insecurities) are slowly learning we can talk to each other and can work through issues and I'm learning that they aren't going anywhere, an insecurity of mine, and that at the end of the day we will all end up in our bed knowing that though we have issues to work through and trials of life will come at us....we are a team and with our back against each other and swords drawn to the world we will make it through.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Why is it that as a society we accept a man who is married, with X number of children, works late and cheats on his wife (or the other way around)? Why is it as a society we accept a man who marries and divorces X number of times? Why is it as a society we can’t accept people who say “I love you, I will be there for you”, if it is more than two people making that commitment? Why should I have to “hide” in fear of prosecution. Not all poly marriages are dirty old men with 15 underage wives.
I’ve included my personal vows to show where I stand and how I feel. But before you read them I want to say this: I respect whatever belief system you hold dear to your heart. If you are reading this then chances are you are a friend or a loved one which means to me - you could love a giant purple monkey and if that giant purple monkey made you happy, then I am happy for you. At the end of the day - don’t we all want happiness and love for the people we love and care about?
Here are my personal vows:
I need not the law to make this wedding real. I stand here today in front of everyone and my higher power and commit myself to you both, to give of myself; my heart, my soul, my life in a partnership that is for better or worse, in sickness and in health....THAT is the definition of a marriage. That is what is real and to me it is all that matters.
You have both shown me support and strength when mine own has failed me. In return I offer you the same. I promise to encourage and inspire both of you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. We may fight, no, we will fight, but I take security in knowing that at the end of the day there is no one else and no place else I’d rather be....with the two of you, in our home, facing whatever challenges and joys life may lay in front of us.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Babies. Whoa, bust out the eggshells. Babies have been a sensitive topic for me - oh - since forever. A little over a year ago a close friend of mine had twins. Her and her husband tried for about three, maybe four years to get pregnant before being blessed with conceiving. During her pregnancy - which was tough for her - I had a blender of emotions. Most of time (go me!) I was genuinely happy for her. Sometimes though my ugly green jealous monster would appear and it was *so* hard to squash it. When the boys were born they were beautiful. No, I don't mean like every baby is beautiful, but beautiful in their conception. Living, breathing, little creatures, made from my dear friends. My heart while filled with happiness for her, filled with sadness for my own lack of child. I have always wanted children. Due to medical reasons and personal belief I do not yet have one.
So here we are. Now I'm in a relationship where there are two people that I would love nothing more than to have a child with. There are questions to be answered. Logistics to be worked out, but as time goes by, the desire admittedly grows stronger. This comes as no shock to either partner, so I'm not using my blog as a means of spilling my hidden beans or anything. The desire, the want, I think is shared by all. The logistics, the financial, the age factor, the medical factor, yada, yada, yada has yet to be worked out. None the less I find myself looking at pregnant women (and damn there seems to be a lot of them lately) and longing to be one of them. I want to share the experience with A., for if such a thing ever happened, she would be just as much Mom as me. I *want* to share that experience. I *want* to have a child with both of them. The topic, writing about the topic, is a sensitive topic for me.
How are we in general? So kind of you to ask.... :-) Things between the three of us are actually pretty well. I'm learning to speak when I have things on my mind and be more open. A. and I in general are communicating better. We've tried some things, abandoned some things, combined our finances (which makes me feel better - I'm no longer a "renter"), have triad brunches on Sunday, and in general I think are falling into our groove.
I'm happy, I'm loved, and I wouldn't change this life for the world.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I am not invited to the rehearsal dinner. The bride does not wish to answer questions about our relationship. I was invited to the wedding. Would she not be answering questions there? So now the question has been asked if I am invited to the wedding and reception as well.
My partners are so very loving. R.'s response, which pretty much echoes A.'s was: "
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I tend to be a people observer. I watch people, body language, mannerisms, and just about everything else. A. fills out her paperwork and then asks if her girlfriend can come back for the procedure with her. What does the receptionist think when she looks over and see R., A.'s husband and me? Does she put it together?
Ultimately the answer was no, I couldn't go back given what was being done, so as A. gets called back she kisses me on the head. R. and I begin our waiting process - sometimes chatting, not being affectionate necessary but I would think it would be obvious to an outsider that we were also together.
What does someone else think about that? Do I care? In a moment like that the answer is no. I don't care. Let the people guess. However sometimes it will matter...how will I handle that situation? Afterwards we went out to eat. A and I were affectionate towards each other, at one point the three of us held hands together. Do other people notice?
At the end of the day I think there are bigger fish to fry but sometimes I can't help but look around and wonder what other people may think.
If you're in a poly relationship, how do you handle this? If you're not in a poly relationship, have you seen obvious triads - if so - thoughts?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Then I meet A & R. Funny thing about all these walls I've built. They don't work so well in a poly relationship (or any relationship really). You've heard that line "Communication, Communication, Communication." Well I had the communication down, about "stuff". Dreams, goals, weather, movies, music, politics, and even the "bones in my closet." They weren't secrets. My partners aren't surprised by anything in my past, my family, my nightmares, my demons...
Then comes the sensitive stuff, the hard days, the prickly moments. Somewhere along the line I fought so hard for independence from abuse, independence and an ability to stand on my own two feet, I forgot how to accept partnership and love and companionship. Not entirely of course but enough that this relationship works so well on so many levels, I wait for it to fail. I wait for the a bad moment and one of them to say "That's it's I've had it and want out."
So how do you work around that? How do you make sure you aren't putting up walls? This isn't so much about being in a poly relationship, but any relationship.
I tend to be a person who wants to avoid conflict. "What can I do to end the conflict?" However sometimes in a relationship there is and needs to be conflict.
This journal entry is really two fold. I started the blog about walls a couple of weeks ago, then left it because life got in the way. I'm picking it back up now, not creating a new one because in my own mind, this all relates.
We had a argument this weekend. Fighting happens. I can say with confidence now that even when fighting it is still "backs against each other and swords drawn to the world", but there is this part of me that gets prickly (totally not productive in an argument FYI), and I become insecure, waiting for that other shoe to drop. You know, the whole "it's too good to be true", "surely I can't be unconditionally loved by these two amazing people" syndrome. At the end of the day, I know logically that I can have my cake and eat it too. That I am loved unconditionally by these two amazing people, but in the heat of it, my past comes charging up and I take old emotions and shove them into the current situation. Kinda sucky.
Why share this? Part of me wants to say I'm not entirely sure. Part of me says because when I'm online reading about other poly families you don't get to read about the rough spots and how others work through them and what about the person who isn't in the fight, or any of the real stuff. You read a lot about communication, and sex, and the way sex should be (that's a joke), and rules, and this and that, but tell me about the real stuff. Tell me about when the three of you are fighting, I wanna hear about how the situation is defused, strategies to keep the argument on task, you know the real stuff.....
So how did we defuse the argument? Fair is fair right? I wanna know about your experiences so I'm sharing mine. Initially for a few hours no one defused anything, then slowly but surely we talked, one issue at a time. An issue would come to the table, we'd talk about it, talk about potential ways to change it and make it better, then we would move on to the next. I worked on not putting up walls, not being prickly, just being open and knowing that I'm loved, no one is going anywhere even when we're fighting.
Nothing is perfect. Nothing is resolved overnight, however today was peaceful and loving and assuring in knowing that things will work out. In our case there are two head strong women, with two pasts coming together, working through a separate set of insecurities and though we no doubt love each other unconditionally and neither of us could imagine being anywhere else, we still have some struggles to work through - at least I know we will do it together. <3
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
That was the beginning part of this post. I had saved this in my drafts because I wasn't really ready to write about it. Luckily in both cases, both friends have ultimately come around and given support. I think *I* need to be more patient and understand there might not be instant acceptance. There will most definitely be questions. Sadly from some people there will not be acceptance. Those are just the facts of life. I know this logically. I think emotionally there is still part of me that just wants to believe everyone will be accepting.
For me I think the lesson is I'm lucky I am loved by some people who are accepting and will love me even if they don't always agree with my "life choice", however I need to prepare myself for the fact that not everyone will.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tonight I'm filling out a form for my dental insurance which comes with a default little life insurance policy. Naturally I want A. and R. to be the beneficiaries of this policy. It certainly won't make them rich, but it would definitely allow them to handle my burial (or in my case cremation) expenses and life celebration. (Notice I specifically did not say funeral) So I listed all the information necessary then sat stumped at the "Relationship" field. What do I put? It's a legal form. Can I put domestic partners? Lovers? The people who make me feel better than anyone ever has on the face of this planet? (Frankly the box is big enough for the latter.) No. I put friend. Friend?!? Really? Just a friend. Yes, we are friends, but that isn't our primary relationship.
It makes me wonder about other things like - being sick. I have some health issues, what if I end up in the hospital and it's "family only"? They are my family. Heaven forbid it be something serious and decision needs to be made, then what? My brother (shudders at the thought) would get to make a decision? They know more about me than he does. My Aunt? Would a fight ensue? How do I make sure they have those rights. Not just one of them, but both of them. Clearly I have some research cut out for me. I will be certain to write more about this later.
We have talked about an LLC for house stuff and making sure I have some of the same protection that A. does, but the things in return - me giving to them, their rights to carry out my wishes, access to my belongings, wealth (LOL) etc...
For now, I sign off a wee bit sad I just classified my relationship as a friendship.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I've hurt my back. Lesson # 1 - Do not try to extend leg up to soap caddy to have a spot to place foot in order to shave leg while in shower. Lesson # 2 - When yours partner tell you slow down or you are going to further hurt yourself, listen to them. They are right. I spent the entire day yesterday drugged up and in bed and pretty darn miserable.
She had been longing for some physical connection. Ideally from both of us, but at least from one of us. I would have liked to been able to participate (so I'm hoping you can imagine just how much pain I was in) but I was simply not able to. We are all laying in bed and I start to hear the start of some fooling around. It felt "weird" (for a complete lack of a better word) for me to just lay there while they did there thing. So I explained my position, explained I understood hers, that I wanted her needs to be met, and that I would go lay down on the couch. Just to be clear - this was all somewhat against her and his wishes, but I knew she wanted to play.
I'm laying on the couch and I begin to hear the play.... boy did I start to get jealous. I'd love to say I handled it all cool like, but the reality is, I didn't. So far we've mainly played together. If we weren't playing together then it's because one of us wasn't even in the house.... or really - in the state. Surely I can't make a stink or say anything about this, because I wanted them to continue even though they offered to stop and wait. I didn't want them to stop because I love them and though part of me felt very jealous, part of me was happy she was getting what she needed. Ultimately I went to my desk, put headphones on and listened to music. When they were done he came out to get me and we snuggled back up again.
I'd like to get to a point where I'm not feeling jealously at all. Especially when it was a decision and choice I've made. Admittedly, I have no idea how to do this. Time and communication are a good place to start though.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The good - She and he asked me to spend the rest of my life with them. I think it was the single most happiest moment in my life in the last ten years for certain. Never in my life have I felt more loved. I know I'm wanted. I know I've found home - and I don't just mean four walls and a roof.
The bad - I can't really shout it from any rooftop. Secrets. Secrets kind of suck.
I just got engaged and could not be more happier about it but can't share it with the people I care about it.
There is admittedly a part of me that wants to just shout it from the rooftops anyway and if you don't care enough about me to be happy about it then I guess you weren't really my friend anyway, but then anyone who knows anything about choosing a poly lifestyle (which really isn't me) knows that you can't really do that. Life just isn't that simple.
There are other things as well. You have this idea of how things will be. You know (if you have half a brain at least) that it won't be all peaches and cream, but you think things will go this way or that way. The reality has been different that how I thought it would be. Different is necessarily bad, but it's different.
A. and I have had two notable arguments. One of them was pretty bad. The beauty of it was even in the heat of the argument I knew she still loved me, still wanted me, and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I also I knew I felt the same exact way about her. It was difficult dealing with my emotions. I'm in a strange city, missing a dear friend (who passed away in August) whom I long to be able to talk to, so trying to work through a variety of emotions was a little difficult and didn't help the argument. I'm glad it's over and since then we've done alright.
Things I thought we may have issues over we have not had issues over and things I didn't even think about - I have now had to think about to either make sure they don't become an issue, or to work through them for one reason or another.
With all of that said, I'm one loved, happy girl. I feel like I belong, like I'm wanted, needed, loved, liked, and enjoyed. I'm cared for and I enjoy caring for others. I struggle with some things and we have things to still work on and get through but I have no doubt in my mind we will work through them.