Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hung up on the little stuff

Since returning from Ohio, one of the things that I have treasured most with A&R is our Skype dates.  Even in typing that I feel so incredibly cheesy, but then I read another Triad's journal and realized perhaps it's not so cheesy.  He spoke about the importance of a little time each day, making sure your secondary feels connected and still having date nights with your primary.  The more I read terms like "primary" and "secondary" the more they sit funny with me, but that's for another time. 

At the moment I'm 2400+ miles away (yes, I'm fighting the urge to look up the exact miles).  So the little things like chatting before going to bed and skyping on the weekend are ubber important to me.  In fact, for me, I like to make it so saying goodnight to A&R is the very last thing I do.  It's my only sense of connection.  I must say R and A do a really good job of making me feel connected.  My issue isn't that they don't make me feel connected it's how I seem to really hold on to little things.  I'm showering at the hotel on Saturday to get ready and I pulled out my travel shampoo bottle and got teary eyed because the last time I used it, I was with A&R.  That's what I mean by hung up on the little stuff.   

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday, missing them so much, and stressing about having to be so social,  I think it's in part why I felt ill.  I didn't want to celebrate my birthday without them.  I was "in the moment" but wanted to be where ever A&R were.  R called me on Sunday to ensure I didn't sleep the day away after a night of no sleep and hearing his voice nearly brought tears to my eyes.  This distance is at moments so hard I don't feel like I will make it until March.

However, I will make it until March and until then I just need to give myself permission to get hung up on the little stuff like IM chats and Skype dates and making sure Raj is in whatever room I'm in.  Raj being a bear that A. knitted for me.  Silly?  Perhaps.  Okay, probably.  However, I can look at him and be visually reminded of the love she has for me, the time she took to knit that for me - just for me, I can grab him and feel his heartbeat (he does actually have one, I'm not going bonkers), and I'm reminded of three days in Ohio that went by wayyyyy to fast.

Friday, September 17, 2010

No longer quiet.

This is where I let my voice be heard, where I don't fear other people's judgment.  Where I'm allowed to say what I desire to say.  To be just who I am.  To be accepted for me or to not be, but to not fear prosecution. 

I'm not much for labels.  Never have been.  Not in shoes, clothing, jewelry or sexual identification.  Not until recently.  Not until I fell in love with a woman and by not identifying one part of myself I feel as though I'm hiding her and that is not acceptable.   I am bi-sexual.  I am dating a woman.  I love that woman.

I am also dating a man.  Say what you ask?!  Yes, that's correct, I'm also dating a man and I love that man.  So I guess that makes me polyamorous.  That to me is like a loaded train going full speed ahead with no means of stopping.  The word polyamorous means so many things to so many people.  To me it does not mean a revolving door of lovers, but if it does to you - that's okay with me.

I'm bi-sexual (look, I said it again) and in my own world, I thought how wonderful it would be to be able to love a man and a woman and for the three of us to be able to be together.  To know about each other, to be open with one another, for there to be no secrets.  We would all live on the "compound" as I jokingly call it.  (That's perhaps a whole other blog post)  Life would be grand.  A lil bit of Utopia here on earth perhaps.

I had pondered explaining how it all began between A., R. and I but that's for another post.  I will say this, when I first started talking to R. that wasn't my intention.  I'm rather sure it wasn't his intention either.  An attraction just sort of organically grew and when I "met" A., his wife,  - well it felt like the triangle was now complete which leads me back to here.

I want to be able to talk about this experience and whatever else I feel like talking about.  The love, the trials and tribulations we'll no doubt have, the legality issues of being a poly triad.   For instance, I can never really marry R. because A. is married to him.  How much does that bother me?  Do I feel less loved or do I still feel like he would lay across train tracks for me (yep, I do) even though I can never have a piece of paper that says I'm his, or hers for that matter.  Sometimes I'm a secret, sometimes they are a secret, what about financial stuff in the future, or if I get really sick and am in the hospital - can they both be there?  I apparently have a thing for trains, well, not really, but I must think they are well used in metaphors. 

So there you have it.  I am a girl, in love with a girl, and in love with a man, and this is me speaking up.