Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Flutter of Feelings from 10/23

I can't explain this feeling right now.  It hurts.  It hurts so bad I want it to stop.  It's driving me crazy and making me feel like I need to do something, anything, something other than just sit here and feel this feeling.  Today I put A. on a plane back to AZ.  It will be the last time I part from her for so long, I know this.  Then why do I feel the way I do?  Is it jealously?  Jealous that she is going home to R.  Home.  I miss feeling like I have that.  I won't feel like I have that until I am there.  I've even begun referring to home as AZ, but even then I know it will take time for that to feel like home.  I'm scared.  Does that mean I question my love for A & R?  What does me being scared mean?  When I think of his hand on my hip, or looking into her eyes it's the only sense of peace and love that I get.  Then why be scared?  I don't think being scared has anything to do with them but rather everything to do with everything else.  I feel like I can't talk about that without hurting someone.  Moving downstairs to gather expenses was perhaps smart financially but I lost a sense of security.  A. has been here pretty much since I moved in and now she is gone and I feel utterly lost.  I'm angry.  Not at her of course, but I'm angry that I have to stay here.  I'm angry that I have this stupid goal of school, going after a stupid fucking degree I'm not even sure I really want to pursue.  I find it hard to push through and do something to my typical level of satisfaction.  All of the sudden I'm settling for 75's and I don't even care.  Have I become this weak?  Is it weak?

12/11/2010:  I'm throwing this edit in after the fact......   Long distance relationships suck.  It's probably another blog, another post, another book.  A lot of poly relationships actually start out in an LDR.  It adds a fair amount of challenge no doubt.  This particular day was so incredibly hard for me.  I didn't want to let her go after spending three weeks with her, but knew I had to.   I read this and can see the pent up frustration and hurt in the writing, the anger, and just about every emotion really.  I'm happy these days are close to being behind us.

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