Friday, September 17, 2010

No longer quiet.

This is where I let my voice be heard, where I don't fear other people's judgment.  Where I'm allowed to say what I desire to say.  To be just who I am.  To be accepted for me or to not be, but to not fear prosecution. 

I'm not much for labels.  Never have been.  Not in shoes, clothing, jewelry or sexual identification.  Not until recently.  Not until I fell in love with a woman and by not identifying one part of myself I feel as though I'm hiding her and that is not acceptable.   I am bi-sexual.  I am dating a woman.  I love that woman.

I am also dating a man.  Say what you ask?!  Yes, that's correct, I'm also dating a man and I love that man.  So I guess that makes me polyamorous.  That to me is like a loaded train going full speed ahead with no means of stopping.  The word polyamorous means so many things to so many people.  To me it does not mean a revolving door of lovers, but if it does to you - that's okay with me.

I'm bi-sexual (look, I said it again) and in my own world, I thought how wonderful it would be to be able to love a man and a woman and for the three of us to be able to be together.  To know about each other, to be open with one another, for there to be no secrets.  We would all live on the "compound" as I jokingly call it.  (That's perhaps a whole other blog post)  Life would be grand.  A lil bit of Utopia here on earth perhaps.

I had pondered explaining how it all began between A., R. and I but that's for another post.  I will say this, when I first started talking to R. that wasn't my intention.  I'm rather sure it wasn't his intention either.  An attraction just sort of organically grew and when I "met" A., his wife,  - well it felt like the triangle was now complete which leads me back to here.

I want to be able to talk about this experience and whatever else I feel like talking about.  The love, the trials and tribulations we'll no doubt have, the legality issues of being a poly triad.   For instance, I can never really marry R. because A. is married to him.  How much does that bother me?  Do I feel less loved or do I still feel like he would lay across train tracks for me (yep, I do) even though I can never have a piece of paper that says I'm his, or hers for that matter.  Sometimes I'm a secret, sometimes they are a secret, what about financial stuff in the future, or if I get really sick and am in the hospital - can they both be there?  I apparently have a thing for trains, well, not really, but I must think they are well used in metaphors. 

So there you have it.  I am a girl, in love with a girl, and in love with a man, and this is me speaking up.

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