Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hung up on the little stuff

Since returning from Ohio, one of the things that I have treasured most with A&R is our Skype dates.  Even in typing that I feel so incredibly cheesy, but then I read another Triad's journal and realized perhaps it's not so cheesy.  He spoke about the importance of a little time each day, making sure your secondary feels connected and still having date nights with your primary.  The more I read terms like "primary" and "secondary" the more they sit funny with me, but that's for another time. 

At the moment I'm 2400+ miles away (yes, I'm fighting the urge to look up the exact miles).  So the little things like chatting before going to bed and skyping on the weekend are ubber important to me.  In fact, for me, I like to make it so saying goodnight to A&R is the very last thing I do.  It's my only sense of connection.  I must say R and A do a really good job of making me feel connected.  My issue isn't that they don't make me feel connected it's how I seem to really hold on to little things.  I'm showering at the hotel on Saturday to get ready and I pulled out my travel shampoo bottle and got teary eyed because the last time I used it, I was with A&R.  That's what I mean by hung up on the little stuff.   

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday, missing them so much, and stressing about having to be so social,  I think it's in part why I felt ill.  I didn't want to celebrate my birthday without them.  I was "in the moment" but wanted to be where ever A&R were.  R called me on Sunday to ensure I didn't sleep the day away after a night of no sleep and hearing his voice nearly brought tears to my eyes.  This distance is at moments so hard I don't feel like I will make it until March.

However, I will make it until March and until then I just need to give myself permission to get hung up on the little stuff like IM chats and Skype dates and making sure Raj is in whatever room I'm in.  Raj being a bear that A. knitted for me.  Silly?  Perhaps.  Okay, probably.  However, I can look at him and be visually reminded of the love she has for me, the time she took to knit that for me - just for me, I can grab him and feel his heartbeat (he does actually have one, I'm not going bonkers), and I'm reminded of three days in Ohio that went by wayyyyy to fast.

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