Wednesday, December 15, 2010

He arrives tonight!!!!!

As he said, "Hold on baby, the cavalry is coming."  It is exactly how I feel.  I'm sick.  I have bronchitis.  I wore myself down trying to get everything done, I knew this would happen.  I'm thankful he will be here tonight to help me through the next few days.  I'm even more thankful that She is so understanding and loving.  I could not have done these last couple of months without her.  Without either of them, but definitely not without her.  I can't wait until the three of us are together!  I miss them both so much!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Coming closer.....

The time is coming closer.  In just two days He will be here.  I can't wait.  I have forgotten what he smells like.  The softness of his curls.  Luckily I can still remember Her smell.  She was here more recently.  Hmmmm, maybe I have a thing for smells?  Him coming in some way signifies the beginning of the end for me.  The end of this chapter in New York and the beginning of my new chapter in Arizona.  I am finally correcting a mistake a made when I was 15.  (That's not for this blog, but needed to be said)  I wish She was with us and that it was the three of us traveling back.  At the same time, I like the thought of coming home to her.  [Insert perverted sexual thoughts here]  I want a full day to lay naked in bed, just the three of us.  I don't even mean sex necessarily (though uh...well, you know).....but I just want to feel their bodies against mine, mine against theirs.  Her soft skin, his fuzzy chest.  Okay, Okay, I'm stopping.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

One of many to come.

You may find that over the next eleven days or so I end up blogging a lot, because a lot is going on.  Not just within our relationship, but I'm also wrapping up a final semester, a full-time job, saying goodbye to friends, and from afar trying to participate in the setting up of our new home.  OH yeah, they just moved into our new home last Thursday.  So like I said, there is a lot going on.  ON that note....  right now (well, always), being this far away sucks.  They are tired and hurting and I am not there.  They are arranging furniture and belongings and I'm not there, not me or my belongings and it all just sucks.  I want to be there.  I feel like I'm missing out on the beginning of "our" chapter together.

Complete side note:  There is a group site I've found myself going to a lot lately and recently I struck up a conversation with one of the women there.  She's been in a long term relationship, which I enjoyed hearing about.  We talked about a variety of things, but one of the things we talked about whether or not He and I should sleep together while he is here helping me move there and She is waiting for us there.  Her and I have had alone time.  He and I have not.  The three of us have had time together.  I've really been thinking about what the girl from the group had said.  Am I somehow leaving Her out by sleeping with Him while we are here and she is there?  She had wanted to initially be somewhat apart of that first time and things just didn't work out that way, but I respect Her and love her deeply and ultimately would not want to hurt her feelings.  Yeah, Yeah, I know I just said in the last post that it will happen, but when you can avoid it you know, I think you should.

My mind is racing from clean the cat box, empty the fish tank, did I do this or that, boy I can't wait til I'm there, man I'm going to hate saying goodbye, I should be doing homework, it's cold in here, the dogs prolly need to go out, they aren't even my dogs, my desk is too small, I am not so sure I like this blue after all, i prefer hardwood floors, I should pack my shoes, I miss him, I miss her, I love the smell of her hair  *big breath*   Do you see?

So it skips to the beginning and back again.

I have wanted to leave this state and adventure out.  Try something new.  Complete college in another state.  I had narrowed it down to three states.  One state was instantly ruled out because they didn't have the program I wanted.  Another while still an option wasn't looking all super bright and then there was Arizona.  I felt like when I said Arizona the sky would light up.  Maybe it's because of the bright sun?  haha.....  

One day I'm on an OKCupid forum and I read a post I thought was witty.  I click on the profile and here is what I noticed:  He's standing next to an upright bass  (Yes the bass is the first thing I noticed).  He is lives in AZ (OMG you have got to be kidding me).  He's poly (Oh how great is that?!)  I at the time was in a dwindling fast poly relationship not "out" to anyone in my "real" life and was starving for someone to talk to about it, AZ, and his bass.   *smiles*

So that my friends is how it all began.  I sent an email, I don't even remember what it said at this point, he replied, and it went from there.  I knew he was married, he was honest from the start (and it said so in his profile).  I loved then and still love now, that he loves he so.  Shoot, just gave myself warm fuzzies writing that.  It makes me love each of them to see the love they have for each other.  Okay, Okay, I'm getting side tracked....    So then I met and sparks flew too.  Ha, Unicorns really do exist!  She is amazing.  He is amazing.

So now, here we are....   In eleven days I am moving from here to there.  I'm moving in with the people I love.  With the people who have shown me unconditional love in its truest form.  No, we're not perfect.  Yes, there will be problems.  Jealously?  Sure.  Hurt feelings?  Probably.  Here is the one thing that feels absolutely right to me.....    I am for once in my life doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing, exactly when I am suppose to be doing it, with exactly the right people.  To know that, amongst all the other feelings I'm feeling right now (that's another blog or ten but not really related to being poly) tells me we have a really good shot here of making the long haul.

I could not have made this move three years ago when I first wanted to.  I can make it now.  I can make it now without them, but I thank my lucky stars every single day that I am making it with them.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Flutter of Feelings from 10/23

I can't explain this feeling right now.  It hurts.  It hurts so bad I want it to stop.  It's driving me crazy and making me feel like I need to do something, anything, something other than just sit here and feel this feeling.  Today I put A. on a plane back to AZ.  It will be the last time I part from her for so long, I know this.  Then why do I feel the way I do?  Is it jealously?  Jealous that she is going home to R.  Home.  I miss feeling like I have that.  I won't feel like I have that until I am there.  I've even begun referring to home as AZ, but even then I know it will take time for that to feel like home.  I'm scared.  Does that mean I question my love for A & R?  What does me being scared mean?  When I think of his hand on my hip, or looking into her eyes it's the only sense of peace and love that I get.  Then why be scared?  I don't think being scared has anything to do with them but rather everything to do with everything else.  I feel like I can't talk about that without hurting someone.  Moving downstairs to gather expenses was perhaps smart financially but I lost a sense of security.  A. has been here pretty much since I moved in and now she is gone and I feel utterly lost.  I'm angry.  Not at her of course, but I'm angry that I have to stay here.  I'm angry that I have this stupid goal of school, going after a stupid fucking degree I'm not even sure I really want to pursue.  I find it hard to push through and do something to my typical level of satisfaction.  All of the sudden I'm settling for 75's and I don't even care.  Have I become this weak?  Is it weak?

12/11/2010:  I'm throwing this edit in after the fact......   Long distance relationships suck.  It's probably another blog, another post, another book.  A lot of poly relationships actually start out in an LDR.  It adds a fair amount of challenge no doubt.  This particular day was so incredibly hard for me.  I didn't want to let her go after spending three weeks with her, but knew I had to.   I read this and can see the pent up frustration and hurt in the writing, the anger, and just about every emotion really.  I'm happy these days are close to being behind us.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hung up on the little stuff

Since returning from Ohio, one of the things that I have treasured most with A&R is our Skype dates.  Even in typing that I feel so incredibly cheesy, but then I read another Triad's journal and realized perhaps it's not so cheesy.  He spoke about the importance of a little time each day, making sure your secondary feels connected and still having date nights with your primary.  The more I read terms like "primary" and "secondary" the more they sit funny with me, but that's for another time. 

At the moment I'm 2400+ miles away (yes, I'm fighting the urge to look up the exact miles).  So the little things like chatting before going to bed and skyping on the weekend are ubber important to me.  In fact, for me, I like to make it so saying goodnight to A&R is the very last thing I do.  It's my only sense of connection.  I must say R and A do a really good job of making me feel connected.  My issue isn't that they don't make me feel connected it's how I seem to really hold on to little things.  I'm showering at the hotel on Saturday to get ready and I pulled out my travel shampoo bottle and got teary eyed because the last time I used it, I was with A&R.  That's what I mean by hung up on the little stuff.   

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday, missing them so much, and stressing about having to be so social,  I think it's in part why I felt ill.  I didn't want to celebrate my birthday without them.  I was "in the moment" but wanted to be where ever A&R were.  R called me on Sunday to ensure I didn't sleep the day away after a night of no sleep and hearing his voice nearly brought tears to my eyes.  This distance is at moments so hard I don't feel like I will make it until March.

However, I will make it until March and until then I just need to give myself permission to get hung up on the little stuff like IM chats and Skype dates and making sure Raj is in whatever room I'm in.  Raj being a bear that A. knitted for me.  Silly?  Perhaps.  Okay, probably.  However, I can look at him and be visually reminded of the love she has for me, the time she took to knit that for me - just for me, I can grab him and feel his heartbeat (he does actually have one, I'm not going bonkers), and I'm reminded of three days in Ohio that went by wayyyyy to fast.

Friday, September 17, 2010

No longer quiet.

This is where I let my voice be heard, where I don't fear other people's judgment.  Where I'm allowed to say what I desire to say.  To be just who I am.  To be accepted for me or to not be, but to not fear prosecution. 

I'm not much for labels.  Never have been.  Not in shoes, clothing, jewelry or sexual identification.  Not until recently.  Not until I fell in love with a woman and by not identifying one part of myself I feel as though I'm hiding her and that is not acceptable.   I am bi-sexual.  I am dating a woman.  I love that woman.

I am also dating a man.  Say what you ask?!  Yes, that's correct, I'm also dating a man and I love that man.  So I guess that makes me polyamorous.  That to me is like a loaded train going full speed ahead with no means of stopping.  The word polyamorous means so many things to so many people.  To me it does not mean a revolving door of lovers, but if it does to you - that's okay with me.

I'm bi-sexual (look, I said it again) and in my own world, I thought how wonderful it would be to be able to love a man and a woman and for the three of us to be able to be together.  To know about each other, to be open with one another, for there to be no secrets.  We would all live on the "compound" as I jokingly call it.  (That's perhaps a whole other blog post)  Life would be grand.  A lil bit of Utopia here on earth perhaps.

I had pondered explaining how it all began between A., R. and I but that's for another post.  I will say this, when I first started talking to R. that wasn't my intention.  I'm rather sure it wasn't his intention either.  An attraction just sort of organically grew and when I "met" A., his wife,  - well it felt like the triangle was now complete which leads me back to here.

I want to be able to talk about this experience and whatever else I feel like talking about.  The love, the trials and tribulations we'll no doubt have, the legality issues of being a poly triad.   For instance, I can never really marry R. because A. is married to him.  How much does that bother me?  Do I feel less loved or do I still feel like he would lay across train tracks for me (yep, I do) even though I can never have a piece of paper that says I'm his, or hers for that matter.  Sometimes I'm a secret, sometimes they are a secret, what about financial stuff in the future, or if I get really sick and am in the hospital - can they both be there?  I apparently have a thing for trains, well, not really, but I must think they are well used in metaphors. 

So there you have it.  I am a girl, in love with a girl, and in love with a man, and this is me speaking up.