Monday, August 17, 2015

Twenty Five years ago today....


Twenty five years ago my two partners said "I do" and our family began. A couple of years later and Nicholas was born turning two into three. Several years later our paths crossed and now our family (along with our fur babies) is complete.

My loves on their wedding day!

My heart is filled with so much love and joy for the both of them as we celebrate this important milestone. Twenty five years is a lot of time (300 months, 9131 days, and 219,145 hours to be exact). Each of those years holding their own joys, triumphs, and challenges. But never a challenge too much for the two of them and now the three of us to bear. For our love and commitment to each other not only helps us survive storms, but it also helps us thrive!


The three of us snuggling while I was in a flare.
I look forward to the next twenty five years and the life we're building together. I look forward to book tours, watching our beautiful and super smart God daughter grow, RV trips and so, so much more! Our home is becoming everything we want it to be and more!

They say through sickness and health but you two have truly proven what that means. I'm SO grateful for that computer lab at Miami University and that white mini skirt!

I'm so in love with you both!! Happy 25th Anniversary to them!!    <3  <3  <3

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Indiana University Survey on Non-Monogamous Relationships

I just finished taking a survey on non-monogamous relationships. I can't tell you how excited this makes me! Yeah, I get it, it's just a survey but it means that other people are opening their mind and eyes to the idea of non-monogamy that doesn't involve swinging, dark dungeons, and cheap hotel rooms.

So if you happen to be poly, have a gander at the survey and see if you'd be interested in taking it! Indiana University survey on non-monogamous relationships



Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Happy Anniversary!

This past May, we celebrated being married for four years, together almost five now.  That's right, Dan Savage (@fakedansavage), we beat three years! Dan has had a lot of issues with poly folk and I believe issued an apology. Polyamory in the News posted an article back in August 2014 on this very matter. I'm not here to pick on Dan though.

I'm here to celebrate and honor the love our relationship has. Its uniqueness, it's laughter, and humor. Of course because life doesn't come without them, we also celebrate our sorrows and hurdles together.


Let's catch up....

Anyone who goes back and reads this blog from day one probably would have placed money on us not being together. From an outside perspective I wouldn't blame them. What kept us together though was this feeling, this knowledge that deep down inside, this relationship is right.

How are we? Life. IS. Good! Perfect? Nah, that would be boring.

No doubt that first year was tough. I had no clue how to fight, no clue how to accept unconditional love, and a hotel cart trolley full of baggage that needed to be unpacked. Furthermore there really aren't any books on our type of relationship.  How to work through the issues and not just break up because it's not "normal." We all had some issues that needed to be worked through. So that's what we did. And the benefits?  OH man, the benefits. Each one of us believes that the other person's happiness is vital to our own and because of that we work pretty well most of the time.Sometimes we fall out of sync and we just take some time and reconnect. We focus on each relationship organically (BIG KEY WORD there) and the triad as a whole. Time truly does go a long way to providing the trust needed to allow a relationship like ours to flourish.

I am so grateful for their love, for the love they share with each other and the love they share with me. We took a trip up to Flagstaff to celebrate our anniversary this year.  As always we had a blast, I look forward to many more trips!

What else helps keep us together?

1. Communication.
2. Complete transparency.
3. Honesty.
4. Communication.
5. Each person having a true desire to see the relationship succeed. 
6. Laughter
7. The desire each of us have to be a source of strength for the other.
8. Friendship
9. Love
10. Respect for each other.

Moving forward we look towards hopefully being able to have our marriage recognized as well. We hope to provide education and awareness and to shatter the mindset that only two people can love each other.



Sunday, November 16, 2014

Friends and Thankful November

I absolutely love the fall!  Having lived in upstate NY I am use to beautiful fall colored trees and cool crisp weather so I have to work a little harder to achieve the fall feeling here in AZ.  One of the things that definitely helps are family and friends.

We've made some new friends recently from a poly group I belong to on Facebook.  Unfortunately their triad didn't last, but I have still remained friends with each person.  I do my best to remain neutral because at the end of the day I just want all three of them to be happy and fulfilled.

One of those friends commented on how she loves our little family and it really warmed my heart.  We try our best to express love to each other and all those in our lives.  We have always been open about being poly doing our best to answer questions and help others and I'm glad it shows.  I really believe that love should be multiplied.

There are so many things I'm thankful for in life.  Are there things that could be better, of course but that's life.  I don't think we're meant to have every single thing in life.  It allows us to appreciate the things we do have even more.

I want to take a moment to express several things I am grateful for:

1. While they each deserve their own number, I will just say My Family.
2. My many wonderful friends who support me, support my life choices and enrich my life.
3. Arizona weather from October to June.  :-)
4. The good days when I can play the Djembe.
5. Our fur babies, all five them.  Yup, even Puck. 
6. Our home even with all her imperfections.
7. My Essential Oils class and all the awesome things I am learning.
8. The health I do have and the mindset to make it better.
9. The ability to chase my dreams
10. Productive and creative moments


Friday, October 17, 2014

Communication


In my last post about loving good questions I mentioned communication being our triad’s biggest challenge. In August I spent  three weeks in the hospital. During that time we got to "test" our communication skills.  

I thought I would take a moment here and go over some of our communication challenges and how we work together to overcome them.

First let me say I am feeling MUCH better.  I have gone to the Mayo Clinic and though I have a long road ahead of me I am hopeful.

Okay, onto the original topic!
Communication Mishaps
"I thought I told you."   - This probably happens to us the most.  Anne and I are together throughout the day so often times we fall victim to Randy not being in the loop on something.  Nowadays it's not such a big deal but in the early days moments like that could cause some tension and ruffle some feathers.  It could be for simple things like the tree guy coming to trim our palm trees or me mentioning something about an appointment. Back then we dealt with this issue by reassuring one another there was no intention of leaving someone out.  Now we are all a lot more secure with each other, the reassurance isn't necessary.  We just try to keep everyone in the loop. When we goof up and don’t tell someone something we apologize and correct the situation pausing to make sure said person is up to speed.

"I assumed or I thought"  - We just went through this one.  This last flare up was difficult and lasted much longer than most.  I was flaring for almost two months. No fun.  It's not just hard on me though; it is hard on everyone!  During this flare, Anne felt like she needed to be the one to keep it together.  That she too couldn't express frustration, not at me, but at the illness.  It really put an extra burden on her that she didn't need to carry.  
When we did sit down to talk about it after I got out of the hospital there were some built up tensions that we could have avoided. Now, instead of assuming or believing, we check in with each other and communicate things, even when it seems unnecessary.

Going to Abilene -  While writing this blog Anne reminded me of a story Randy tells about going to Abilene.  Early on in our relationship this happened a lot because one or all of us didn’t speak up for what we wanted.  This happened for a lot of reasons.  No one wanted to hurt anyone, no one wanted to always be the one to decide something are just two examples.  Now we say “⅓ of the time.”  One third of the time you get to pick where we’re eating or what activity we’re doing.  Now we don’t actually follow that every time, but remembering that helps us to remember that while letting others pick the activity is fine most of the time, it’s okay for us to speak up too.  

Anne says, “I tend to be over-concerned about upsetting someone else by expressing a potentially dissenting opinion. I'm trying to take that risk more, by asking the Abilene question. My growth in communication has been about making sure there's nothing building under my surface, waiting for a volcanic explosion which takes everyone off-guard. If I'm checking in, I'm letting my partners know not just the bad, but also the good. "Hey, when you said that about needing time with me, too, that really made me feel good." My partners can meet my needs better, if I tell them what I like along with my dislikes.”


The important thing to remember is to never leave anyone out. In our experience we have found that conversations about important stuff need to be transparent between the three of us.

Why do we feel it is important to communicate everything?  For one thing to make sure someone doesn't feel left out.  It also allows us to back each other up if necessary.  Usually I am the one who handles things relating to the home (like the tree guy coming) but if I am sick, Anne or Randy are able to step right up without missing a beat.

What's our solution?  Google Hangouts, email, and weekly (or more, if needed) meetings. We also have a daily board we use. Aside from those tools we also use laughter.  We use laughter a LOT.  

 

The picture is an example of our board last fall.  Everyone in the house has a specific color and the board is like our family's daily planner. 


We all had some growing pains in the first year of our marriage.  I don’t hide nor deny that it was difficult.  I had a LOT of baggage to work through.  Other people had baggage too.  At the end of the day I think what keeps us together through that first year and now is our love and commitment to each other.  All three of us want this relationship to work.  All three of us work at it so it is successful.  <3

Thursday, August 21, 2014

ALS Awareness

I admit I was once one of those people finding myself a little bit frustrated at all the ice challenge videos.  I'm human. Shoot me.  But then I watched this video and felt completely humbled by what Anthony shared with us. It was a true raw emotion that can only be felt when you've just realized your life has radically shifted its course.  That's an emotion I know. SO share on my friends.  Share this video, share it a thousand more I will gladly watch them all and smile right along with Anthony.   


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Love good questions!

Randy recently had to have a routine procedure.   While he was in recovery the doctor came in to report his findings and started the conversation by asking who Anne and I were.  Anne said "We are his wives."  The doctor said "Excuse me, what?"  So that starts the typical process.  Anne leaves the initial explaining up to me because I have it down, or so she says.  I'm pretty straight forward about it.  I identify us as a poly-fi triad basically explaining that we are just like a monogamous couple but there are three of us.  I love her and him.  He loves the two of us.  She loves me and him.  It's pretty simply when you get right down to it.

A lot of people at this point will typically leave it at that.  A common response is "Oh, interesting."  Sometimes people will ask more questions.  Usually from the guys it tends to hint towards something sexual and for the women who will ask it tends to lean towards jealously and wondering how two women can share one man.

This doctor went beyond that and asked really good questions.  He genuinely seemed interested in learning about our relationship structure. He said we are the first he has ever encountered.  LOL.  We are indeed a special breed I do suppose!  He asked what our biggest problem was.  Simple.  Communication.  (Thank you Google Calendar and Hangouts for helping us there!)  What happens if two of you split up? For us that is also simple, we'd still all be under one roof, but we don't see that happening!

At the end of the conversation he congratulated us on seeming happy and wished us well.  It was beautiful.  I LOVE answering questions.  Most of the time if asked in a non crude way I'll even answer personal questions.  I firmly believe that knowledge is power and in sharing our lives with others we educate and hopefully make alternative types of love not so scary and more accepted!

Is there anything you've been wanting to ask?  Ask away!!  I'll do my best to answer.